Braden Dumbass Satire

Editor’s note: The Daily Collegian does not trust — or support — Mr. Dyreson with reporting on anything related to medicine. Take his words with caution.

Researchers in a joint task force with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Penn State University have discovered what they are calling a “miracle drug.” They have developed a cure for the terrible and widespread disease of being a dumbass.

Approximately one in three Americans suffer from being a dumbass and one in four people across the world. Being a dumbass can be life-threatening, but mostly it’s just awful for people around the dumbass.

While most people are rejoicing about the cure to this disease, public health officials have run into an unexpected problem: The cure for being a dumbass is a vaccine, and dumbasses won’t get vaccines.

The many symptoms of being a dumbass include the inability to use common sense and thinking you are smarter than literal experts. Dumbasses have been known to refuse vaccines and claim to know more than medical doctors, researchers, public health officials and anyone who is not a dumbass.

Studies show that people who are anti-vaxxers almost always suffer from being a dumbass. Other possible symptoms of being a dumbass include commenting on Facebook, not using a turn signal, not wearing a mask and eating Canyon Pizza sober.

Because of this, many are worried about the dumbasses, as they are already prevalent in most communities. There has also been pushback against the vaccine from major institutions. The University of Pittsburgh announced it will not require the dumbass vaccine for its undergraduates because if dumbasses disappeared, so would most of its student body.

Mo Ron, a dumbass, explained his stance on the vaccine: “I’m not gonna take a vaccine because a dumbass on the internet said it has microchips in it, and a dumbass podcast I listen to said it would make me infertile.

“I’m proud to be a dumbass. My refusal to question my own thoughts and actions and just blame other people is a defining part of my personality. I raise dumbasses, and I only ever talk to other dumbasses,” Ron (sophomore-economics) said.

Doctors and public health officials are holding their breath as everyone is at risk because dumbasses won’t take a vaccine.

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