Penn State Men's Basketball vs Purdue, Harrar (21)

Forward John Harrar (21) and guard Myles Dread (2) try to block a shot by Purdue during the Penn State men’s basketball game against Purdue on Friday, Feb. 26, 2021 at the Bryce Jordan Center in University Park, Pa. The Boilermakers beat the Nittany Lions 73-52.

Editor's Note: This is satire. Please don't actually do this, Penn State basketball.

It’s March Madness season for the first time in two years. There’s excitement in the air, with the possibility that anything could happen. Fast breaks, upsets, and buzzer beaters all make this one of the most exciting sports events throughout the year.

Yet once again Penn State failed to make it the tournament. This has become an annual tradition of getting our hopes up over the basketball team only for it to disappoint us.

Something drastic needs to change if we want to make a serious tournament run. I think if I was allowed to play, we would bump up to a three or four seed, but unfortunately my talents were already needed with the Penn State football program.

Instead, I propose the Penn State men’s basketball team should recruit local middle school basketball players and then give them steroids in order to make March Madness next year.

Look: with the hiring of this new coach, many players have entered the transfer portal, meaning we could lose whatever current talent we have.

Where are we going to find talent that won’t immediately transfer to somewhere else? The only place I can think of is middle school basketball teams. Quite honestly, most middle schoolers play better basketball than Penn State.

They actually know how to pick. They box out. They play defense half of the time. They can actually pass the ball sometimes, unless of course the point guard is the coach’s son and then passing goes out the window. (Screw you Todd, it’s called a chest pass not a two feet over my head pass).

The only disadvantage I see middle school players having compared to Penn State is their size. But that’s why we give them steroids.

Now, many people at this point may question the ethics of this plan, but Penn State sports and ethics never really mix well. Look, the junior high kids will get a few credits out of it and the prestige of being unpaid “student-athletes.” I dare anyone to show me real hard scientific evidence showing that steroids have any bad or weird effects on the human body.

This is a win-win-win-win situation. The middle schoolers win. The Penn State basketball program wins. The NCAA wins. The steroid companies win. I do not see any downsides.

In summary my plan has four steps: Middle school basketball players. Steroids. March Madness. Cash money. What could go wrong?

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