Editor’s Note: Please send help — we don’t know where he is in the Business Building.
I am no fool. However, six weeks ago, I found myself wandering through the Business Building on the north side of campus.
Why was I wandering through a random campus building in the middle of the night? Well, that’s my business. Ba Dum Tiss. Everyone give a round of applause to Tony on the drum set.
But that’s not really relevant to my current situation. It doesn’t matter why I went to the Business Building — all that matters is I ended up there. And I’ve been here ever since.
I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to speak up about it. But I think now is the time — since I think I’m beginning to starve.
I’m still trying to hold out. I need someone else to get lost in the Business Building so I can eat them for my survival. I’ve already been drinking my urine for the past two weeks and there have been no problems so far (*coughs up blood*).
I can't find my way out of here. This building is a labyrinth of nondescript hallways and fluorescent lights. There's no moss here, so I don't know which way is north. But I am smarter than this building, it hasn't gotten me yet.
Ultimately, survival is about conquering oneself. Natural forces are a reflection of one’s own psyche. I am not really lost in a physical building, but in the depths of my soul.
In the immortal words of Jack London, “Something about wolves and cyclic meaningless of life and death.”
Please send someone to the Business Building as soon as possible. I am so scared. It’s so cold at night.