Tokyo Olympic Rings

After five years of waiting, the 2020 Tokyo Olympics are finally here, and I once again did not qualify.

The anti-me bias of the International Olympic Committee and the United States Olympic Committee continues to be a deep scandal that rocks the international sport community.

However, like the elite athlete with the eye of the tiger that I am, I will pick myself off the mat and make it into the next Olympic games in Paris — or as the French call it, “Le Home.”

As my attempts to become an Olympian by emailing the IOC, “I can do whatever you guys need,” have failed thus far, I have now decided to actually choose an Olympic sport to compete in.

Yet, being in peak physical condition, I could succeed at any sport, thus narrowing options becomes difficult.

Here are the Olympic sports you will see me medal in.


Now, I’ve never danced with a horse sober, but honestly, how hard can it be? They are essentially big dogs, so it shouldn't be that hard to at least get silver in this “sport.”


I certainly have the physique and the tan lines to truly dominate. The only possible hurdle I could face in this event is my inability to swim.

100-meter freestyle swim

The only possible hurdle I could face in this event is my inability to swim. But, who has ever drowned in 100 meters of water? It’s not that deep.

Hammer throw

If I can handle hammer time, then I can handle hammer throw.


It’s just a frisbee that could lose a few pounds.

High jump

My only question is do they provide drugs, or will I have to bring my own in order to get high for the jump?

110-meter hurdles

I’ve got a strategy that will wreck the competition: All I have to do is knock my hurdles into everybody else’s lanes. That way they can all be disqualified.


I think I’ve been beat up enough to know how to box.


I’ll just take a few extra fans along to help me edge out the competition.


Not to brag, but I can get across most monkey bar courses, so I think I’ve got this one handled.


Basketball with no baskets — even easier than the real thing.

3x3 Basketball

My absolute domination at the IM building would definitely translate to Olympic glory.

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