finals week column graphic

'Twas the week before finals week, when all through the house

Literally everyone was stirring and running about;

The computers were humming with perpetual Zoom meetings,

And my overworked mind was taking an academic beating.

I studied through nights, not sleeping in my bed,

While visions of Rose Bowls danced through my head;

The amount of crap I had to do was just whack,

And the sleep deprivation was making me crack.

As I took a break, my laptop began to clatter;

I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter;

I was attempting to export an essay in a flash,

That’s when I saw Microsoft Word began to crash.

Ten pages, doubled spaced, on the topic of fungi,

All got deleted in front of my eyes;

Gone were the forty citations about fungus caves,

Because during the five hours I had been writing, I forgot to hit “save.”

Slowly my despair turned into rage,

As I thought of redoing the footnotes on every single page;

This sequence of events unleashed my insanity,

As I began to scream and shout every single profanity.

"Now, @#$! now, %$#! now, #*$% and %$!#

On, @$! on, $%&! on, !#%& and *%$!

I’m sick of staring at a screen and these four walls!

Screw this, screw that, and screw it all!"

Why are the only assignments that matter at the end of the semester?

All my professors made projects due on the eleventh of December;

Essays and tests, final projects are due,

Quizzes and homework, presentations too.

My Spanish oral exam makes me feel dumb-a,

Mi español es muy mal, Ay caramba!

I also had to write a book report on “Moby Dick;”

My “white whale” was getting it written quick.

I had to present in class a summary of an Estonian ethnography,

Study up on the mitochondria and read Plato’s Apology;

The Math 140 final is going to be my end,

I haven’t done any algebra since grade ten.

These finals are tough! And the essays with full citations!

But this whole experience is not because of my procrastination;

The week before finals week is always a mess,

With all the pressure and lack of time adding to my stress.

In the early hours of the morning I was almost done,

With the essay on fungi I had twice begun;

Adding the final citation, I was careful to click,

The “Save As” button I had previously missed.

I logged onto Canvas to turn the paper in,

But cursed when I forgot about two-step authentication;

Once I had finished, I began to look,

At my final grades in other classes, leaving me shook.

My final assignments where such a difficult task,

Yet in many of my courses I had barely passed;

But before I worried too much about the grades I was making,

I fortunately remembered the beauty of alternative grading.

Now all I had to do was study for my final tests,

And go to my 9 a.m. class instead of getting rest;

But to all my fellow students I give this advice:

"Happy Finals to all, and to all, drink caffeine through the night!"

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