gumbys pizza satire art

Editor’s note: Braden doesn’t have good enough taste to do restaurant reviews, thus, this is satire. Click here to read the actual news article about Gumby's Pizza's closure in spring 2020. The restaurant has been open for business all semester.

Looking for a restaurant in downtown State College with great food and a better atmosphere? Have you ever wanted to get a tattoo while waiting for your food to be ready? Are you not at all bothered by health code violations at a dining establishment? Then look no further than Gumby’s Pizza, the pizzeria that gets an “F” from the Borough of State College's Health Department and an “A” in quality.

As the Daily Collegian’s official reviewer and “man of culture” (Editor’s Note: He is neither of those things.) I review some of the most popular spots in Happy Valley. Gumby’s Pizza had to close earlier this year because it was using food prep tables for tattooing.

I had already heard rad things about Gumby’s from the State College Health Officer Bryan O’Donnell such as, “contamination from blood could have sprayed onto food contact surfaces, or the dough mixer,” so I knew I just had to check it out! I swung by the joint in order to get some tats and ‘za to see what all the hype was about.

When I first walked into Gumby’s I first noticed the homely feel — it felt like I was back in Sicily with my Mama cooking, except someone was getting tattooed over by the soda fountain. I placed my order for the greatest slice of pie in the world (Hawaiian pizza) and also ordered about an ounce of tattoo ink. The seating arrangement was comfortable while still adhering to social distancing guidelines.

I laid down on my table of choice, waiting for the tattoo artist to finish up with his previous client. Once he finished inscribing the name of someone in a relationship that was sure to last, my fellow patron got his pizza and left. I knew I was in good hands.

I had thought for a long time about what tattoo I was going to get. I finally decided on two. First, on my right bicep, “0-4 Forever” memorializing Penn State’s remarkable 2020 football season. On my forehead, I wanted “R.I.P. Old Coaly” in remembrance of PSU’s original mascot. Be free my mule friend, be painted by that celestial lead paint in the sky!

The tattoo artisan and chef grunted and began work on his masterpiece. Also I didn’t cry! It feels very important to establish that I did not cry at all. If you hear anything to the contrary it's a lie… I never cried. (Tears flow over the keyboard upon remembering the tattoo.)

About halfway through the process, the tattoo artist (who I can assume is Gumby himself) got up and tossed the pizza dough with the tattoo needle. Once the tattoos were all finished, I could finally enjoy Gumby’s famous pizza. The pie was similar to any other pizza, except it had a red bloody drizzle on top, and the sauce was infused with this black inky stuff that tasted kind of weird.

Overall, I’d recommend Gumby’s Pizza, giving it a “blue and a half” on a scale of 38 to 776.

The food is okay, the tattoo’s raw, the atmosphere scared me and the public health concern is dire. My only complaint is that my tattoos are now getting red, puffy and bleeding randomly. I am also always nauseous and have a fever, but other than that, I’m good.

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