Long live 8 rules of underwear etiquette

Long live 8 rules of underwear etiquette


Claudia Vargas is a junior majoring in journalism and international studies and the Collegian's day news editor. Her e-mail address is cxv182@psu.edu.

My Opinion

It seems that nowadays there are etiquette classes for everything from eating a five-course meal to having proper posture.

However, one class I have yet to come across, but noticed that many people around here need, is underwear etiquette. Yes, you read that right. A lot of women and men around here just seem to be clueless when it comes to dealing with female underwear.

Whether it's learning what type to wear with certain clothing or learning to enjoy the touch of lace on your body, some of you are still oblivious to the "rules."

Next time you encounter an underwear dilemma, please remember the eight underwear commandments.

1. Textures and Colors

Experimenting with different textures and colors is good but only if it works. For example: A nice cashmere sweater unbuttoned so that part of the lace on your pastel-colored bra shows (add some pearls for extra pizzazz) is sexy yet classy. But when you wear a lacy bra under a skin-tight nylon shirt, it just screams "disaster." Even worse, a black bra under a white wife-beater or tank top yells trashy. When in doubt, just stick with the seamless look and natural colors.

2. Belt Loops

Use them, they are there for a reason. Even though I am an underwear fanatic, I hate seeing g-strings and thong lines coming out of jeans when women bend over or even just walking around. It's been seven years since Aaliyah's "side-pull" style was cool, so tuck those strings back in. Oh, and if you have the Hanes or Victoria's Secret high-cut briefs parachuting out of the back of your pants, we're going to have some problems -- we're not sky-diving here.

3. Matching

There are many factors such as rushing to class and getting behind on laundry that inhibit us from matching all the time. However, do match at least on weekends. It's college and you don't know when you will encounter a "special" night. It is better to be prepared for any occasion. I would suggest classifying your underwear under an A-line and B-line category. The A-line is your special collection like the sexy lace ones or the fun bright ones or the furry ones, if you're into that stuff. The B-lines should never see the light of day -- wear them to go to class or the gym.

4. The Little Guys

Seriously, even if you're an A-cup, there are ways to flatter your shape that do not entail the use of some cotton, foam or gel in your bra. Not only does padding look fake and obvious, but it shoots down your so-called "confident look" because confidence is a reflection of being happy with your shape and size, not faking it. Plus, as my mom said, "What are guys going to think of those girls that seem to be a C-cup and realize they are an A once everything comes off?"

5. The Big Mommas

Most women take Victoria's Secret employees for granted. You see those measuring tapes around their neck? They are there to remind you that you look better in a bra that actually fits you, no matter what the size is. Now those stubborn minds that seem to think a smaller bra size will make their breasts smaller or increase their cleavage, they are completely wrong. You will either come out with "quadra-boobs" when the small bra cuts your breast in half so you have a total of four mountains. Then there is the "uni-boob" when everything is brought so close together that you have just one big slump across your chest. Or the "pointy boobs" when we are all left wondering why you put party hats under your shirt.

6. The "T" rule

As the season of floofy, short skirts dwindles down, it's time for chunky sweaters and tight pants, jeans, leggings -- whatever returns for your fall/winter collection. But, ladies, please remember the No. 1 rule many seem to forget time and time again -- "T"ight = "T"hong. That heinous Visible Panty Line (VPL) is just awful to walk behind for either gender. For guys it's a complete turn-off, for women it makes us just want to hand you our own thong -- I'd seriously rather go commando than have a VPL.

7. Exception to the "T" rule

Within every set of rules there are exceptions and the exception for the underwear commandments is cellulite. Many women, whether you are 20 or 60 years old, are always trying to fight off that flub on their butt and thighs. Some are successful, some aren't. But please do not wear thongs with tight bottoms if they accentuate those dreaded dimples.

Instead, stick to the smooth or seamless boyshorts because they will actually hide your cellulite and if the cut is right, you will not have a VPL either.

8. For the Fellas

I'm pretty sure any guy would consider Victoria's Secret models sexier than Playboy models -- or at least more classy. This is probably because sexy lingerie leaves things to the imagination, creating mystery and appeal.

So why is it that no guy ever enjoys having a girl in a pretty lace bra and underwear? They must always scramble to rip off everything right away; sometimes underwear even comes off before actual clothing does. What are you, a 13-year-old boy who has never seen a naked woman before? Your impatience has the potential to ruin the intimate mood.

When women spend $50 or $60 on a nice matching set of underwear, it should be appreciated. So just relax and enjoy the lingerie show. Hopefully the proper etiquette has been followed to a "T."

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