If there's one thing I -- and pretty much all college students, for that matter -- love, it's free crap delivered via mail.

That's why, when I opened my mailbox to find a free sample of Nicorette Cinnamon Surge Gum last week, I was overjoyed -- even though I have never been addicted to smoking.

However, luckily for me, I met the box's warning that the gum was "for those who smoke less than 25 cigarettes a day."

Well golly, I don't think I've even ever smoked 25 cigarettes in a month! This is perfect!

The instructions inside the box suggested chewing anywhere from nine to 12 pieces of Nicorette per day.

I have jaws of steel, so nine pieces of any gum is nothing.

However, roughly five minutes into my first piece, my throat showed me who was boss: Nicorette.

After the burning sensation wore off, I felt great. The buzz from the totally legal nicotine gum was, as I can only imagine, much better than any illegal drug in the entire world could ever provide.

However, I am not an expert on the subject, so further scientific and/or anecdotal evidence on the subject may prove me incorrect.

But come on, it must be true. After all, legal drugs contain absolutely zero side effects and have never done nearly as much damage as any illegal drugs ever have.

My high lasted through the first piece into the next. As the next hour rolled around, I eagerly popped Nicorette #2 and chewed with all my might, to the chagrin of my friends. Apparently, I'm not the best nicotine junkie to be around.

The second piece of gum was a bit lighter than the first, and it maintained -- nay, heightened --my totally legal buzz.

The burning sensation refused to go away, but either my throat had embraced it or it had just become more dull. Either way, Nicorette seemed like my drug of the future.

The third piece was more of the same, just intensifying my totally legal high.

But then, tragedy struck by the time I tried the fourth piece: My stomach was tied in knots and my lightheadedness, once classifiable as "exhilarating," had regressed to "annoying."

I decided that all this nicotine couldn't be all that healthy, so I attempted to counteract my newfound stomach pain with some Mexican food, naturally.

However, instead of the usual run-of-the-mill Taco Bell, I knew it just wasn't the right time for a Mexican pizza loaded with Fire sauce. Besides, I'd just been there a couple days prior.

No, this was a job for a healthy, healthy salad from Qdoba Mexican Grill, Taco Bell's rich suburban cousin with a college degree and a luxurious mansion. The salad contained such health-rich vegetables as romaine lettuce and guacamole.

But after the meal, I couldn't take it anymore.

My stomach pains got worse and my buzz crashed down upon me. How could this happen? I'd followed all the directions on the box down to the letter.

Upon further inspection of the booklet inside the box, however, it appeared as though you're not supposed to chew the gum for an entire hour straight without "parking" the gum between your cheek and gum (the mouth gum, not the chewing gum).

I guess I just wasn't cut out for trying to quit smoking.

Maybe it was that I didn't follow the pages upon pages of medical instructions for a product I received in the mail.

Maybe it was that I was trying to rid myself of an addiction I most likely do not have.
Again, I'm not an expert on the subject.

But as it stands, I'm just glad my throat has stopped burning.

All I know is that I'll never chew nicotine gum ever again.