I would by no means say that I am a reality TV fan. In fact, I actually despise shows like the Bachelor and NEXT.

However, along with doctor shows and criminal investigations, today, reality television shows do crowd the airways. And after watching a fun little episode of Hogan Knows Best the other day, I got to thinking: What if the story of my family was made into a television series? Or even worse, what if someone made a movie about my family?

I began with my father. He has a Masters degree in American history and education, though he hasn't taught in years. Currently (brace yourself) he sells farm equipment. Yet, he still trots downstairs to his history books if he forgets the 24th Amendment. He's probably the strangest man I know. He eats whole pies at 4 a.m. and finds comfort in drinking whiskey at 2 p.m. while fixing a fence or the heater or anything else that sets off his paranoia button.

There was one name that seemed right for my father -- Jack Nicholson. My father is a mix of obsessive-compulsive, like Melvin from As Good As It Gets and Jack from The Shining. He even has a little bit of The Joker in him.

With my mother, my mind wandered to various different characters. I can't say that Ursula from The Little Mermaid wasn't one of them. But Ursula is too mean for my momma. My mom definitely is full of tough love, but she's not a complete witch. She is more the "oh suck it up, life goes on" kind of mother. She'll do what she wants, if you know what I mean. She was an environmental chemist at Kodak, but now owns and manages a motel and marina. She has no business or marine background, mind you. She's just pretty ballsy. So I decided that my mother is a cross between Murphy Brown and Shirley Schmidt from Boston Legal.

My oldest sister, Summer Raines (take a wild guess what my folks were doing in the 70s ...), is the over-achieving, over-sensitive, successful woman. At 25, she's in her nine billionth year of graduate school, on a mission to get a Ph.D. in microbiology, or as far as I understand it, something that deals with cells, microscopes and many intelligent Asians. So for my sister, I decided that Skylar from Good Will Hunting would work. Of course, that is sans the sweet accent and genius boyfriend.

Next came Kaitie -- the middle child of the bunch. Tall and thin and incredibly indecisive, she puts whip cream on her cereal. Apparently, she can't distinguish between breakfast and dessert. She's what we call flighty. I finally settled on the character of Maggie Feller. Cameron Diaz, in general, is kind of like my sister, but in In Her Shoes, as a shoe klepto, ditzy, "I shouldn't be blamed for anything" kind of gal, she definitely is my sister.

And, of course, I can't forget myself. I'd want to be played by Veronica Mars. Kristen Bell as a witty, super-sleuth who works for her school paper? That is sooooo me (I wish). But hey, it's a pretty strong cast. Who wants to hear the plot?

Jill Raines is a junior majoring in journalism and is an in-depth arts reporter. Her e-mail is jmr5113@psu.edu.