YET ANOTHER NOTE: ONCE AGAIN, BECAUSE THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA IS ON STRIKE, THIS BLOG HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY NON-UNION SCABS. THIS WEEK'S BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY A 97-YEAR-OLD AFGHAN WOMAN.

P.S. "24" writers, here's my idea for the next season: Terrorists are attacking Los Angeles. Jack Bauer is the only one who can take them down. He's going to do it within 24 hours. GO!

ATTENTION BOYS AND GIRLS!

Is your idea of a fun weekend drinking a bottle of Goldschlager and trying to activate automatic doors by throwing balled-up socks in front of the sensors? IF SO, then Late Night Penn State IS NOT for you.

Is your idea of a fun weekend sitting at a table in the HUB and playing an enthralling, no-holds-barred game of BINGO -- while totally sober? IF SO, then Late Night Penn State IS for you!

Because I meet the latter criteria, I decided to go to Late Night Penn State for my travel this week.

Before I set out, however, I wondered whether there would be anything to make fun of at Late Night. I mean, Dean's Diner is chock-full o' hilarity, but Late Night Penn State? What is there to mock about balloon artists or a Casino Night where one of the top prizes is a Brita pitcher?

So I figured that rather than try to be humorous, I would document my night in a strictly non-jokey way -- while comparing it to the night of a fictional student who I call JOE STUDENT, but who everyone else calls "STUDENT X."

MY NIGHT: 10 p.m.

Bingo is about to start. Hundreds of students line up at the table to get their two free cards and a little cup full of popcorn seeds to use as markers.

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: 10 p.m.

Already totally buzzed from pregaming. Omigod man, we totally need to go to Players, I hear there are gonna be some awesome chicks there with whom we could dance in provocative ways.

MY NIGHT: 10:10 p.m.

The first Bingo game has begun. The caller, who has been calling bingo for more than three years, announces the number "O-69." Everyone goes "OOoooOOOOoooH!"

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: 10:10 p.m.

Waiting in line at Players. Pretending not to be nervous about approaching gigantic bouncer. He could crush my skull with his mind.

I do not know these people

MY NIGHT: 11:00 p.m.

Half the Bingo games have been called and I still haven't won. Alaina already won a copy of "Knocked Up." I think it's rigged.

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: 11:00 p.m.

Just did seven shots of liquid cocaine, now dancing with this superfly chick at Players. I am going to ask this girl if I can kiss her. She rejects me by yelling "PEACE!" and giving me a sideways V sign with her fingers before walking away. That's okay, there are plenty of other fish in the sea!

MY NIGHT: midnight

Bingo is finally over. I walk upstairs and pass by a balloon artist. He is making humorous sculptures out of balloons.

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: midnight

Just followed some random girl into her apartment. Aw man, I am SO. DRUNK. Hey, check out the selection of literature she has on this bookshelf. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand!? SCORE!!!

MY NIGHT: 12:30 a.m.

Just lost a few hundred dollars in fake money while playing Blackjack. My strategy is as follows:

"Hit me... hit me... hit me..."

"That's 30. You're over."

"WHY DIDN'T I STAY AT 20!?"

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: 12:30 a.m.

"Centuries ago, the man who was--no matter what his errors--the greatest of your philosophers, has stated the formula defining the concept of existence and the rule of all knowledge: A is A. A thing is itself. You have never grasped the meaning of his statement. I am here to complete it: Existence is Identity, Consciousness is Identification."

MY NIGHT: 1 a.m.

Driving home, satisfied with my evening of safe, non-alcoholic fun.

JOE "STUDENT X" STUDENT'S NIGHT: 1 a.m.

Throwing up in toilet.