DESTINATION: Dean's Diner
TRAVELING COMPANION: Alaina
PHOTOS BY: Alaina and Travis

If there's anything we've learned from The Sopranos finale, it's that everyone in every diner everywhere is a member of the Mafia, no exceptions. This is why I stay away from the State College Diner. While I enjoy grilled stickies, I'm not so enthusiastic about cement shoes and severed horse heads on my pillow.

Unfortunately, sometimes a grumbling stomach can override good judgment, and so it was that I begrugingly pulled off the highway to eat at Dean's Diner on the way back to Pittsburgh.

If you've never been to Dean's Diner, here's an artistic rendering that will give you a horrible idea of what it looks like:

From that drawing, one would think that Dean's Diner was a completely black splotch on an orange background. In reality, Dean's Diner is just a nondescript gray restaurant off the side of a highway:

Everyone knows that Mafiosos aren't exactly the most tolerant people in the world, and just by walking around the perimeter of Dean's Diner we could tell that these people were no exception. Just take a look at this sign:

I dream of a day when dogs and humans can walk together on the same path.

And check out this feaky octagonal table where they no doubt discuss gruesome drug deals and prostitution rings while playing poker and smoking cuban cigars:

Before we went inside, we also noticed this advertisement:

What a convenient way to dispose of hot cars and dead bodies, huh?

Upon entering the diner, I was struck by how old everyone was. This was geriatric city. Alaina and I immediately lowered the average age of the room by about 50 years.

Also, look at all of the potential weapons at customers' disposal: coat hangers, glass ketchup bottles, stools:

I was freaking. Out.

We sat at a booth and the waitress delivered us some more weaponry -- menus that we could use to inflict painful papercuts:

Notice how that menu says "2 bacon" instead of "2 slices of bacon"? You know why that is? It's because when you're in the mob, death could arrive at any second -- so you've got no time to waste on grammar.

The menu also contained this laughable disclaimer:

This is what those in the mobbing business refer to as "black humor." See, the joke here is that you're most likely to get your brains blown out by a rival Mafioso before you could ever possibly contract some silly foodborne illness. It's really quite droll.

Alaina ordered "1 slice blueberry pie" and I ordered "1 omelette." Our order was taken by a shifty-looking older woman who looked like she was particularly fond of pie herself. She quickly retrieved our food, almost as if they had been expecting us and had it prepared already. Here is a photo of Alaina's pie:

Doesn't that look delicious? Turns out the filling was made of the "less useful organs" of various executed mob informants.

I decided to go check the restroom for hidden guns. On my way there I noticed another example of Mafia intolerance, this time against women. Take a look at the bathroom door signs:

Obviously women are not deemed important enough to have their gender spelled in upper case in this establishment.

Once inside the restroom, I noticed this sign above the sink:

Not surprising that this place would need an eight-step guide to washing blood and brain matter off of your hands.

Alaina and I paid our tab and quickly left. Back in the car, the radio was playing Journey...

Don't stop believin'...

We pulled out of our parking space...

Hold on to the feelin'...

...headed to get back onto the highway...

Streetlights, people...

...and changed the radio station.

I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (got, got, got)
Four, tres, two, uno
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
So delicious (aye, aye, aye, aye)
I'm Fergalicious, t-t-t-t-t tasty, tasty

Expedition summary:

Money spent: About $8
Miles traveled: 188 miles

Lessons learned:

Dean's Diner is delicious... AND DEADLY.

-Travis Larchuk

DESTINATION: Library
TRAVELING COMPANION: For the physical and mental safety of everyone, I performed this week's expedition alone.
PHOTOS BY: Travis

Everyone who's anyone knows that in 1969, a Penn State student was murdered in the Pattee Library stacks.

What you may not know is that since then, the entire library has become haunted, Stephen King style.

A specter of the victim walks the halls, blowing on the back of students' necks, licking people, whistling "Can't Buy Me Love" until it's stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

I grabbed my paranormal investigation equipment to get to the bottom of The Mystery of the Mysterious Library.

Walking around the perimeter of the library alone throws up a few red flags. For example, examine this border pattern on the library's mall entrance. Is it just me, or are these swastikas?

Moving to the other side of the building, ever notice this bizarre sculpture at the library's north entrance?

Closer inspection of these large green rectangles reveals a series of strange symbols:

Referencing my ancient language texts, I decoded these symbols as follows:

"PENN STATE ENCOURAGES EVERYONE TO EAT ORPHANS."

Wow. Just... wow.

Also, what's with these boxes stacked outside the library?

Each of these boxes contains three zombies.

Upon entering, I went directly to the basement, which is classically the most haunted place in every library. While I did not find any ghosts, I did travel down a mysterious hallway with this at the end:

Why does a security camera that big need to be placed in front of an "emergency exit"? Could it be because this "emergency exit" is actually an entrance... to HELL?

No, it could not.

I proceeded on to the stacks, where the grisly murder happened. Judging by the below photograph, it is difficult to determine why anyone would think that this would be a good place to kill someone:

While there I could certainly feel some kind of presence -- something that reminded me of sweaty old construction workers. Clearly this was the victim's ghost at work:

The below photo is clear evidence of haunting:

This malevolent spirit obviously taped over all of the fire alarms so that if an emergency situation were to occur, thousands of studious library patrons wouldn't receive any warning and would subsequently be burnt alive.

On a non-haunting note, please look at this elevator for a moment:

Why does this elevator look like it came straight out of MYST? Am I supposed to be pointing and clicking my way through the library or what? Do I need to figure out the secret code in order to get this thing to move?

Back to haunting: After I left the stacks I noticed this strange door:

Notice the gothic-inspired red finish and metal studs. What else could be behind this door other than a vampire gang's S&M dungeon? Nothing, that's what.

During my stay I also spotted some evidence that another paranormal investigation team had already beaten me to the library:

I bet there were bazillions of ghosts behind that plastic sheeting.

The best evidence that this place wasn't quite what it seemed was when I attempted to access the fifth floor of the Paterno section of the library:

According to this map, the fifth floor is in the middle of a complete void -- as if it only existed in an alternate dimension.

So there you have it. Conclusive proof that the Penn State library is haunted. Hey, Penn State Paranormal Research Society! Maybe A&E should give me my own reality show!

Expedition summary:

Money spent: $0
Miles traveled: 0 regular miles; 666 SATAN MILES

Lessons learned:

Praying for divine intervention when you're being attacked by a possessed water fountain will do you absolutely no good.

Quality paranormal investigation requires nothing more than a PowerShot A620 digital camera and being insane.

-Travis Larchuk

DESTINATION: Jarcy's Motel in Port Matilda and Victorian Bellefonte
TRAVELING COMPANION: Alaina
PHOTOS BY: Alaina and Travis

With Arts Fest finally upon us, many Penn State alumni may be looking for cheap accommodations here in the Centre region. That's why my friend Alaina and I decided to look into motels that appeared to be especially affordable on the unemployed journalism major's budget.

Keeping that in mind, we headed out toward Port Matilda to investigate Jarcy's Motel, a quaint little lodge just off the side of Route 322.

When we pulled into the driveway, this is what we saw:

Obviously, the place did not look like it maintained the standards of upkeep of such other fine establishments as Motel 6 and The Crappiest Motel In The World. The lights were on, indicating that someone must be around, but the assorted detritus strewn about the place indicated that someone was probably a coke fiend.

It looked so uninviting that we decided to play it safe and head next door to Clem's Barbecue to ask the locals what the deal was with Jarcy's.

Note: On the photo above, reverse the order of "RIBS CHIX PORK." Fun, huh?

I ordered the BBQ chicken as my "in" for asking questions about Jarcy's. Check out how much chicken they gave me and guess how much it cost:

...are you ready for this? $2.50. That's IT. And it was delicious.
I know who's going to cater my wedding!

After I ordered my chicken, Alaina asked the abnormally handsome man at the counter what the deal with Jarcy's Motel was. He said he didn't know and directed us to two vagrants hanging around in the back of the kitchen who didn't look like they were really doing anything.

"You don't want to stay there," one said. "There's a Holiday Inn a few miles down the road."

"Nah," I said, "we're just curious about Jarcy's."

"So you just drive around looking for weird places?" he asked.

I thought about explaining that we were trying to do the world a public service by getting to the bottom of the Jarcy's Motel mystery, but I refrained.

Another of the vagrants said he thought the owner of Jarcy's came to Clem's from time to time, and that we should just go over there and ask him about the history of the motel.

We decided to weigh the pros and cons of returning to Jarcy's:

PROS:

-Could be a great story.
-Could satisfy our curiosity.
-Could turn out that the Jarcy's people are nice and maybe they'll
give us cookies.

CONS:

-Could turn into an awkward social situation.
-Could get murdered.
-Could get sodomized and then murdered.

We decided that the pros slightly outweighed the cons, so we left the car at Clem's and walked down the highway to Jarcy's.

On foot, the place looked even shadier than before. As I approached the front door to request an interview, I noticed clothing strewn about the stoop and a tree branch obscuring the entrance.

Stepping even closer, I suddenly realized that I simply did not want to talk to whoever was in this house - so we cowardly turned back.

Although I ended up avoiding whoever was in charge of Jarcy's Motel, I do have to give them props. It takes a lot of cojones to just leave crap all over your yard and not even attempt to make it look at all presentable. Bravo.

Not ones to completely give up on a good sleuthing, however, Alaina suggested a trek into downtown Port Matilda to ask locals about Jarcy's.

Luckily, we happened upon a street-wide yard sale. Bingo! We could bribe people for Jarcy's information by buying their crap for 50 cents!

At the first house, some older women were chilling out on the porch. After looking at their first-generation Game Boy and lighthouse statues, I noticed a sign that said "Brownies: 50 cents each." I asked to buy a brownie, and while one of the women retrieved it, we pumped the other one for Jarcy's information.

"Are you two looking to stay there?" she said.

It was becoming increasingly apparent that Alaina and I were coming off as some couple who was looking to hook up for a few hours in the shadiest motel possible.

We said we were just curious, and she told us that Jarcy's had been closed for years now. She said the neighbors were really irritated that the place looked like such a dump.

After that, we headed across the street to another yard sale. I was attracted to it by the pile of board games, but upon closer inspection I found that the games seemed to be suspiciously geared toward Christian audiences.

I decided to lay down 50 cents for the board game "Conscience," which aims to help children decide the difference between right and wrong. The best part of this game is that it contains an optional overlay relating to sex topics.

Here are some of the listed consequences for having premarital sex:

-loss of innocence
-bad reputation
-teen pregnancy
-AIDS

Fun for the whole family!

After that, we went past the State College exit and headed to Victorian Bellefonte. We stopped off at a duck park to chill out with waterfowl.

There was a machine there dispensing duck pellets. We threw them in the water and immediately noticed that a bunch of huge, mutated trout were snatching them up before the ducks and geese had a chance to get them.

So I decided to stage an epic battle of the species by luring the geese toward the fish and then throwing the pellets in an area where they would have to battle for them.

Check out the exceedingly boring video on YouTube.

I decided to investigate why the animals were so crazy for these pellets in the only way I knew how: sample one myself.

Below you can view the four-stage progression of my experiment:

A - What could be more appetizing than a handful of rabbit feces?
B - Preparing to suppress gag reflex.
C - Tastes like death.
D - Thank God I had a brownie chaser available from the yard sale.

EXPEDITION SUMMARY:

Money spent: $3.50
Miles traveled: 44

Lessons learned:
-Do not try to stay at Jarcy's Motel.
-If you play a Christian board game, you will get pregnant.

- Travis Larchuk