With Thomas Brady's leg being busted up by the greatest football player of all time, Bernard Pollard, it made me think of hated athletes that if hurt, we wouldn't feel bad.
Anyway, while writing my ticket to Hell, let's go.
1. Marian Hossa -- traitor -- Detroit Red Army
In case you didn't hear, and I wish you didn't hear, but Hossa backstabbed the Pittsburgh Penguins and signed with the Kwame Kilpatrick Felons this off-season. I wouldn't care except for the fact that said Felons rode the 92-year-old stubs of Chris "I had my best season at age 35" Osgood. When the Pens play the Detroit Unemployed Auto Workers (Thanks, Ford!) for the first time on Nov. 11, I'm expecting Brooks Orpik to combine this and this to Fiesta Mexicana. When that happens, this will happen in the Collegian's web office.
2. Ray Lewis -- I can't libel him, but one time he was questioned by police about a murder in Atlanta -- Baltimore Brown Colts
"Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was shot?" was a popular T-shirt sold on the Clemente Bridge outside PNC Park in 2002 or so. "God's Linebacker" seems to have to put a spell on everyone so that they forget that he was questioned by police about a murder in Atlanta. Maybe he'll tear an ACL after celebrating a tackle he made 8-yards downfield.
3. Bill Belichick -- former Cleveland Browns coach, record (36-44) -- video coordinator, New England Patriots
Sports night editor Kevin Zitzman said, "he's not technically an athlete, but still." Enough said.
4. Jimmy Clausen -- member of the Clausen family quarterbacking triumvirate -- Notre Dame
Oh, Jimmy. Holding a press conference at the College Football Hall of Fame to announce where you're going to college. Riding in a limousine to said conference. A nice, New Jersey guido haircut. Participation in Beer Olympics. Being average. By the end of his college career maybe he'll be able to steal the title of "Best Clausen quarterback ever" away from Casey.
5. David Eckstein -- 2-foot-3 shortstop -- Arizona Diamondbacks
OH MY GOD, ECKSTEIN RUNS DOWN TO FIRST ON A WALK (he rarely walks). HE'S SO SMALL AND GRITTY AND, AND, AND, HE HUSSSSTLLLESSS!!!11!!1. To paraphrase firejoemorgan.com, David Eckstein sucks at baseball.
6. Brett Favre -- farmer in Kiln, Ms.
Denim model and Collegian football writer Travis Johnson's current man crush, Favre's injury would be all over ESPN. On second thought, never mind. ESPN spends more time on Brady's injury than Walter Cronkite did on JFK on Nov. 22, 1963.
7. Steve Downie -- Lady Byng candidate -- Philadelphia Flyers
This and this, which made this kind of enjoyable. He enjoys cross-checking teammates in the mouth when they refuse to stand naked in a tight bus bathroom. The player, Akim Aliu, signed with Chicago. The Blackhawks and Flyers play the day after Christmas. I hope Aliu gives Make Plays a beautiful Christmas present.
-- Shorts with help from Kevin Zitzman
