Today, the Mitchell Report shook the baseball world. But that isn't important. The real question is what kind of bangin' team could you put together from this list of accused players? Behold the power of the 'Roid Ragers' roster.
Mitchell Report All-Stars*
OFFENSE
C -- Paul Lo Duca, Washington Nationals -- Nicknamed "Captain Red Ass" for his temper (coincidence?), it came as a bit of a surprise when he sent his drug dealers a nice Thank You note. It says, "Call me if you need anything!" according to the Mitchell Report. In between sending fruit baskets, he eventually moved to the Mets to be closer to his supplier.
1B -- Mo Vaughn, Boston Red Sox -- Who knew a man who once broke a window in a pharmacy via 400-foot home run would have yet another connection to prescription drugs? In the report, it says "Hit Dog" didn't want to take steroids because he was afraid of needles ... we think the real reason was he could never find a vein through all that flub. Mo' Twinkies, mo' problems.
2B -- Fernando Vina, St. Louis Cardinals -- Vina once starred in the music video "Welcome to Atlanta." Well, Fernando, welcome to inclusion in the Steroid Era! Sources say he's stopped using HGH cream to enhance his performance, but this Baseball Tonight pretty boy still likely uses it to give his hair a radiant shine.
3B -- Troy Glaus, Toronto Blue Jays -- For a guy who has 20/15 vision, it's amazing he couldn't see this report coming.
SS -- Miguel Tejada, Houston Astros -- This guy's used to breaking precedents. He became only the third Dominican to capture the MVP -- and the first to be named on the Mitchell Report!
Word on the street is Miguel Tejada Stadium (in Tejada's hometown) will also be converted to a "pharmacy." We hear Rafael Palmeiro's already in line.
LF -- Rondell White, Montreal Expos -- Known for giving Expos tickets to underprivileged youths in Montreal. Who knew he could have been passing around juice in the neighborhood, too?
CF -- Lenny Dykstra, Philadelphia Philles -- This tobacco-chewer has now tainted more than the centerfield AstroTurf at the Vet. Nicknamed "Nails," Dykstra can now add "Needles" to his metallic call names. Maybe Dykstra should hop into teammate Darren Daulton's Astro-travel time machine and prevent himself from taking those "special vitamins" in the fourth dimension.
RF -- David Justice, Atlanta Braves -- Halle Berry deserved better. Let me get this off my chest. Justice has been served! There, I feel better now.
Anyhow, one reason Mitchell produced his report was to protect young athletes who might consider steroid use in the future, so how ironic is it that Justice is the host of "Kids on Deck" on the YES Network?
PITCHERS
SP -- Roger Clemens, New York Yankees -- His wife must've dropped an important call. We see it going something like this:
Honey, you think I should use steroids?
[SILENCE -- as wife's hands wave through air]
All right, guys, she's so happy, she's speechless. Stick me.
Not only do dropped phone calls ruin conversations and payrolls -- but they also ruin reputations.
SP -- Andy Pettitte, New York Yankees -- "Whatever I do, I love to win. I don't care if it's tennis or ping pong, I'll kill myself to win it."
Apparently, that also means he's willing to reduce his manhood to ping pongs. Hell, he doesn't care. Stick him again!
SP -- Kevin Brown, New York Yankees -- Brown angry!! Brown smash!! In 2004, he punched a wall and broke his wrist. Eventually, his entire arm falls apart and he's out of baseball. Who didn't see this coming?
SP -- Denny Neagle, Colorado Rockies -- Neagle's got 99 problems ... and apparently prostitutes and steroids are Nos. 1 and 2.
Closer -- Eric Gagne, Los Angeles Dodgers -- Great glasses don't make a pitcher. But drugs do!
BENCH
Brian Roberts -- Baltimore Orioles
David Segui -- New York Yankees
Gary Matthews Jr. -- Texas Rangers
David Bell -- San Francisco Giants
* Note: Only players first confirmed by the report are listed. Sorry Bonds, Giambi and McGwire. Maybe next time.
Note 2: Also, current teams are included with current players. For past players, the team most associated with that athlete is listed.
Note 3: No relievers are listed with the exception of closer because, well, our relievers blurbs were too dirty (Sorry, John Rocker!).
Note 4: Sorry for all the notes.
By Jon Blau and Josh Moyer
