Dear State College Weather,
We are sorry to inform you that your substandard performance has been called to our attention and we are initiating an investigation into allegations of below average temperatures and ridiculous wind chills immediately. As a result, all forecasts must go through our services to be approved by a manager before implementation. For example, tomorrow's forecast is completely unacceptable and must be revised immediately.
Should snow fall on State College tomorrow, you will be in breach of your contract to provide Spring-like weather to the valley. While "spring" may include a range of temperatures and weather conditions, snowfall is not within the appropriate weather description for this time of year as laid out in the employee handbook. As we near the mid-April mark, please note that the handbook states, "70 percent of days from April 15 through April 30 must be flip-flop or rainboot appropriate days, with the average temperature remaining in the mid-50s. Only 30 percent of days for the same period may contain rain for varying periods of time, with only 2 percent of those having rain constant throughout the day."
Failure to comply with these regulations will result in a visit from Jack Bauer, who will "coerce" you to abide by the guidelines.
Sincerely,
Kat
UPDATE 11:32PM
We have been monitoring the situation and talking with agents in the field and have sequestered this report.
If this snow does not cease within the hour, we will have no choice but to move on your location and send in Jack Bauer at the head of our interrogation team. This is your final warning.
