It's News to Me

So, I've been saying for quite a while that monkeys are smarter than humans in some cases. Consider it; monkeys do not participate in self-destructive behavior and mostly spend their time eating bananas and playing with kittens. It's really quite logical. They even pretend to give a damn when we try to teach them a language reserved for handicapped people.

Well, researchers finally decided to test my hypothesis, and guess what? I was right. Take that surprised look off your face immediately.

Anyway, a story in The New York Times reported that researcher Tetsuro Matsuzawa of Kyoto University studied college-aged adults and 5-year-old chimps to compare their short-term memories.

In one test, humans and chimps were both asked to participate in a simple memory game. Both groups were equally accurate; the chimps were faster.

The researchers were baffled, noting that even with three months of training for the college students, the chimps were clearly more adept.

Further tests, which included one particularly smart chimp's mother, seemed to suggest the primates' stellar memories deteriorate with age. Which should be no surprise to any kid who knows he's smarter than his parents.

It occurs to me that perhaps young chimps would be better at other things college students tend to do as well. I will soon be sending a detailed proposal to Matsuzawa suggesting a plan to test this. But first, he will need to purchase a tap and a keg.

It's that time of year. As the cookies and milk flow more freely than insults from in-laws, everyone around the world starts worrying about that extra holiday padding.

And apparently Santa Claus should take notice as well.

In a recent poll conducted by TV station Jetix, 4,000 Spanish children aged 4 to 12 gave their opinions on Father Christmas.

For one, 53 percent of the kids surveyed think Santa is "too fat." I guess sprinting around the world in one night doesn't burn enough of those free cookie calories he racks up when he enters each household.

The kiddies might just be putting out carrots and celery this year instead of sugar cookies -- 59 percent think Santa should eat better in order to slim down. Others think he should probably hit up the North Pole gym every once and a while, as well.

Maybe they're worried he won't fit down their chimneys to deliver their dollies and bikes, because they also appear anxious about the time it takes for Rudolph and friends to make it to their houses. If it were up to them, the magic flying reindeer would be permanently put out to pasture. Thirty-five percent said Santa should trade in Donner and Blitzen for a four-by-four, while 31 percent suggested a flying motorcycle -- maybe he can borrow Sirius Black's.

Even though they want him to update the rest of his production, only 21 percent of the kiddies want to see him come down the chimney in a T-shirt and jeans -- the rest think the big red coat is acceptable, even though it's not quite as trendy.

We just hope Santa doesn't take offense and put these kids on the naughty list. They just care about your health, Santa!

In other news, we hope Santa doesn't end up on his own bad list -- apparently he's robbing banks in New Hampshire. The Associated Press reported that a man wearing a Santa hat and beard walked into a bank and demanded cash.

We know those gym fees and motorcycles can get quite expensive, but there's no need to resort to such mischief!