While scrolling through the latest Associated Press headlines in the "national" section, I happened upon something that I just had to click on. The slug, or short name for a story, was "Cookie Torture." It sounded a bit like when I go on a baking spree and then refuse to share with my roommates.*
However, the headline read, "Ill. college students accused of kidnapping, battery with freshly baked cookies." Sinister.
It turns out a teen was beaten with a wooden paddle, had chunks of his hair torn out, was doused with urine from a soda bottle, and lastly, burned with freshly baked cookies by two college students in a drug deal gone bad. He sustained severe bruises and was taken to the hospital after he escaped their wrath.
Somewhere, the cookie monster is crying. Our managing editor of design (curiously, after eating a cookie from newly opened Margarita's), decided it would be a good idea to weigh in on this story. So without further ado:
Travis sez:
This story almost made me toss my cookies. As a well-trained
journalist, I spotted a few holes in this story that need to be
addressed. I would like answers to the following questions:
1. Was the kid burned to a Cookie Crisp?
2. What flavor were these torturous treats? Were they peanut butter, M&M or Macadamia Nut? Perhaps they were the most evil cookie of all -- raisin, a cookie that looks like chocolate chip from afar but upon closer inspection contains lame fruit.
3. Was the dough homemade or store bought? If it was store bought, wouldn't it have been easier to just beat the kid down with a tube of raw dough? (I don't think it would leave visible bruises, but it may cause pretty good internal bleeding.)
4. This was a drug deal gone awry, so was the marijuana baked into some magic brownies, perhaps? Was there a whole baked-good drug ring going on?
5. Who just carries around a soda bottle with urine in it?
Anyway, send your sympathies to this poor kid. But hey, nothing says "say no to drugs" better than having your enjoyment of baked goods forever ruined.
* Actually, I always share. You leeches owe me.
Finally, I felt the need to make this a two-part blog because it is ELECTION DAY!!! I voted, unlike most of you apathetic jerks, and after reading another AP story, I feel truly lucky to be able to do so. While I am still registered in Thompson Hall (where I no longer live. Oops!), at least my residence doesn't have wheels, or I would be disenfranchised.
That's right, the growing number of fine Americans who travel endlessly in RVs are often finding that states require them to have some sort of permanent residence or they can't vote.
What is this nonsense? What has our country come to when living out of a behemoth moving vehicle makes you a second-class citizen?
Some voting officials say RVers shouldn't be allowed to vote because they have no attachment to the places they randomly choose to have an address in.
I take issue with this, especially because I know many individuals who have less attachment to their hometowns than these people. At least RVers felt it was so important to be in that state and some point that they wasted precious gas and batteries in their dashboard Jesus in the process.
So beg off, codgy old poll workers. Give me recreational vehicles or give me death!