It's News to Me

While scrolling through the latest Associated Press headlines in the "national" section, I happened upon something that I just had to click on. The slug, or short name for a story, was "Cookie Torture." It sounded a bit like when I go on a baking spree and then refuse to share with my roommates.*

However, the headline read, "Ill. college students accused of kidnapping, battery with freshly baked cookies." Sinister.

It turns out a teen was beaten with a wooden paddle, had chunks of his hair torn out, was doused with urine from a soda bottle, and lastly, burned with freshly baked cookies by two college students in a drug deal gone bad. He sustained severe bruises and was taken to the hospital after he escaped their wrath.

Somewhere, the cookie monster is crying. Our managing editor of design (curiously, after eating a cookie from newly opened Margarita's), decided it would be a good idea to weigh in on this story. So without further ado:

Travis sez:

This story almost made me toss my cookies. As a well-trained
journalist, I spotted a few holes in this story that need to be
addressed. I would like answers to the following questions:

1. Was the kid burned to a Cookie Crisp?

2. What flavor were these torturous treats? Were they peanut butter, M&M or Macadamia Nut? Perhaps they were the most evil cookie of all -- raisin, a cookie that looks like chocolate chip from afar but upon closer inspection contains lame fruit.

3. Was the dough homemade or store bought? If it was store bought, wouldn't it have been easier to just beat the kid down with a tube of raw dough? (I don't think it would leave visible bruises, but it may cause pretty good internal bleeding.)

4. This was a drug deal gone awry, so was the marijuana baked into some magic brownies, perhaps? Was there a whole baked-good drug ring going on?

5. Who just carries around a soda bottle with urine in it?

Anyway, send your sympathies to this poor kid. But hey, nothing says "say no to drugs" better than having your enjoyment of baked goods forever ruined.

* Actually, I always share. You leeches owe me.

Finally, I felt the need to make this a two-part blog because it is ELECTION DAY!!! I voted, unlike most of you apathetic jerks, and after reading another AP story, I feel truly lucky to be able to do so. While I am still registered in Thompson Hall (where I no longer live. Oops!), at least my residence doesn't have wheels, or I would be disenfranchised.

That's right, the growing number of fine Americans who travel endlessly in RVs are often finding that states require them to have some sort of permanent residence or they can't vote.
What is this nonsense? What has our country come to when living out of a behemoth moving vehicle makes you a second-class citizen?

Some voting officials say RVers shouldn't be allowed to vote because they have no attachment to the places they randomly choose to have an address in.

I take issue with this, especially because I know many individuals who have less attachment to their hometowns than these people. At least RVers felt it was so important to be in that state and some point that they wasted precious gas and batteries in their dashboard Jesus in the process.

So beg off, codgy old poll workers. Give me recreational vehicles or give me death!

"Hilton Tries to Help Drunken Elephants"

There's almost nothing more to say after reading such a headline. Sandwiched between news of the Pakistan president's emergency rule and Bush's veto of a domestic spending bill, this tasty morsel of breaking news jumped out to those of us on night desk. It was one of those headlines that made us roll our chairs over to one person's computer, stare blankly at the screen, and then burst out in laughter.

According to The Associated Press, Paris Hilton posted a comment highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in India, who get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go berserk.

''The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,'' Hilton wrote.

However, late last night, the AP posted a correction.

Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, says she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India, according to the AP.

Regardless of the legitimacy of the story, hundreds of people are now aware of an issue no one ever knew existed.

Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.

Hilton allegedly made the comments while on a trip to Tokyo, where she is judging a beauty contest. Apparently, she is so busy that she has to postpone a promised charity trip to Rwanda, but can squeeze in a quick beauty pageant.

Conservationists have said they are excited about a celebrity endorsement of their cause, although they wish Hilton would actually visit India.

Since the story is no longer true, the rant that I was about to write is no longer valid. But I will write it anyway. Because Hilton may not support the cause to end drunken elephants, but I am sure that tomorrow she will be at some other random charity event in support of some cause she knows nothing about.

It's nice to hear that Hilton was able to stop drinking and flashing her nether regions long enough to talk about a cause. It's surprising she even knows that India even exists. And it is a shame that crazy elephants are storming through villages, potentially hurting residents. No one wants elephants or people to ever be harmed.

But of all the causes in the world, Hilton chose to put her name behind this one? Taken within context, she would rather write a post about binge-drinking elephants than travel to Africa where people are fighting starvation and disease. Maybe she saw a tragic picture of an elephant with liquor bottle in hand and thought to it would be a fun drinking buddy and wanted to get involved. Maybe she thought she could get some free alcohol with a celebrity gift bag like she gets at the many awards shows she randomly attends. Whatever the reason, her revamped "good girl" image still needs some work. She's on the right path, aka staying out of jail, but there are a few other causes she could be working for instead of the poor Indian elephants.

I don't know any sports fan who hasn't heard about the Washington Redskins' Sean Taylor. The 24-year-old died yesterday morning after he was shot during a home invasion in Miami.

It was the talk of nearly every male student I saw today as most woke up to find the news blaring from every Web site and news program.

So the sports world will grieve a young life cut short too quickly.

Taylor leaves behind his one-year-old daughter, Jackie, with his girlfriend. Both were in the house at the time of the shooting, though neither were injured. It was the birth of his daughter that many credit with turning around the football star who was once quite a wild child in Florida.

However, Taylor's death is sadly part of a dismal statistic that the United States has been dealing with for a number of years.

According to the Center for Disease Control, homicide is the leading cause of death for black men ages 15 to 24.

And professional athletes are not immune to that statistic.

Just to cite a few examples:
&nbull; Detroit Piston's guard Flip Murray was fired at by two masked men in April after they followed Murray and a female friend home from a nightclub. No one was injured.
&nbull; In July, three masked men forced their way into the Chicago home of NBA player Eddie Curry of the New York Knicks and held him and his family hostage.
&nbull; Phillip Buchanon, Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback and former teammate of Taylor's at the University of Miami, was the victim of a home invasion in March 2006. Six men in ski masks beat him and stole his car, clothes and televisions.
&nbull; Philadelphia Eagles defensive end Jerome McDougle, then 27, was shot in July 2005 in southeast Miami during an attempted carjacking. McDougle also played at the University of Miami. He was shot in the stomach but released from the hospital five days later.
&nbull; University of Miami lineman Bryan Pata, 22, was shot and killed in November 2006 two hours after football practice. The murder was never solved.
&nbull; Denver Broncos player Darrent Williams was shot and killed January 1 in a drive-by shooting after the Broncos final game of the season. He was leaving a New Year's Eve and birthday party for Denver Nuggets player Kenyon Martin.

The numbers are simply too obvious to ignore and yet there have been few policies to shift what some leaders from organizations such as the NAACP have called an epidemic.

In 2003, the death rate for black men was 1,258.4. In 2004, it was 1,319.1.

This is compared to white American men, whose death rate in 2003 was 937.4 and in 2004 was 973.9.

The homicide rate for young black men is three times the rate for Hispanics, the next highest homicide mortality rate.

There are 4.5 million black men ages 15 to 29 and represent 14 percent of the U.S. male population of that age and 12 percent of all blacks in the U.S.

If the death of Taylor shows nothing, it highlights the need for action on the part of every American to make a change toward a peaceful country. Too many men have already died and the people they leave behind are paying the price.