It's News to Me

Since at the desk we see the best and the worst of the news, (and really only the best gets into the paper) this week we want to give awards to the weirdest people in the news who don't make our pages:

For the creepiest creeper award:
The winner is a man who was sent to jail in 2002 for secretly videotaping a woman and a teenage girl in their bedrooms and bathrooms. After being released early last month for good behavior he is suing a police department for the return of his massive porn collection (about 500 movies and 250 magazines) that was taken during the investigation.

His lawyer claims the collection was worth at least $10,000.

The "ick" factor is really running high for this one. Note to creeper: Get a new hobby. Or a pet.

For the not being able to wait for privacy of own home award:
The winner is a 37-year-old Chicago man who was driving on the Indiana Toll Road to visit his mother (yes, to visit his mother). The kicker is that he was naked with petroleum jelly on his hands when the cops pulled him over after numerous other travelers phoned in with complaints.

Rumor has it that he was also in possession of the above-mentioned guy's porn collection. At least someone is using it.

For the worst treatment of your own mother award:
The winner is a Rhode Island man who was arrested last week for extorting more than $20,000 from his mother.

How'd he do it, you ask? By threatening to kidnap her cat. Over the last year he succeeded in kidnapping the cat once and made threats on an almost weekly basis. This guy, too should get a pet -- preferably his own this time.

For the most interesting logic award:
The winner is an Indiana mother. This woman was at least smart enough to know that she needed a designated driver last weekend. The flaw in her plan came when she selected her five-year-old son for the task. When asked by a neighbor if the child had been driving, she replied, "he's a good driver." She forgot to add, "of Tonka trucks."

For the most daring and awesome rescue award:
The winner is a Coney Island lifeguard. He saw a shark and he sprung into action -- to save the fish. He noticed a large group of people surrounding the shark, "holding onto it, hitting it, and smacking its face," and swam out and carried the shark back out to sea, saving the "poor thing." Really, buddy? Have you even heard of Jaws?

That's some of the classiest news of the week for your reading enjoyment. Stay tuned for next week when we mercilessly mock someone else. You love it.

One of the best sources for continual breaking news is Google News. The Web site has complete lists of every major newspaper plus countless blogs and magazines, organized by stories. In the past 48 hours, two stories have dominated the entertainment page of the site.

Britney Spears:

In case you haven't heard, the former Mousekeeter/pop star got married, had two kids, shaved her head, went to rehab and got divorced. Now she is trying to rebuild her image as a musician and artist, starting with opening the MTV Video Music Awards show Sunday night. Unfortunately, the performance was a complete disaster, from her sad attempts at lip-syncing to her own single "Gimme More" to the body-exposing outfit. Although we understand that sex sells, the glitter bra and black panties with high boots were not a complimenting choice for Ms. Spears.

Vanessa Hudgens:

Although most female college students don't like to admit it, almost all of them have seen/memorized/obsessed over High School Musical and its sequel. The made-for-TV movies are light fluff for a night in with the girls and we highly enjoy them. So it was depressing this week to see the female star of the movies be dragged through every major news outlet with headlines such as "Vanessa Hudgens Nude Photo Scandal: Second Set May Get Her Axed" and "Disney's High School Nudie Musical." Photos of the 18-year-old star started circulating on the Internet that showed her in various states of undress, as well as at least one nude photo. Most assumed someone bored at home Photoshopped the photos, but Vanessa's reps confirmed that they were the real deal. Rumors have been swirling about whether Disney and/or beau Zac Efron will drop her.

Perhaps by accident, all of the night-deskers are women. And though none of us claim to be feminists, it makes all of us sad to see women behave so badly. Debate amongst yourselves whether or not naked pictures supposedly meant for your boyfriend are a serious error in judgment when you're a high profile Disney star. But in a time when women should be leading the news with international issues, political debates and social changes, we have instead a pop princess whose past her prime and who has two kids yet still stumbles out of nightclubs without panties. It may be the merciless pressure of paparazzi and constant scrutiny that makes such stars crack, but it is still a crying shame.

OK, this isn't good. I am seriously having flashbacks to the Ohio State game in 2005. You know, the one where riot police maced students trying to rush the field? I was in the third row of the student section, and there are few times in my life I've ever been more scared or outraged.

Well, it turns out, police just seem to like to take out college students whose threats to public safety are questionable at best.

A rather obnoxious student was carried away from the microphone at the University of Florida yesterday, after trying just a little too hard to get in a few last questions to Sen. John Kerry. When the kid (who is, admittedly, an idiot) flailed around in the officers' grasp, they made the genius decision to haul him off and Taser him. Yes, they sent 50,000 volts of electric current through his body because he was being a little jerk and hogging the microphone.

The kicker? You can hear Kerry in the background protesting his arrest, saying in vain that he would like to answer the student's "very important question." He's practically begging the police to let this poor dude go.

Here's the thing: I'm sure this guy was being a royal pain and that if he continued to refuse to leave the stage, he should have been removed. I'm not sure if asking a few extra questions warranted an immediate removal, but either way, it's the university's call. But Tasering? Really? I've watched episodes of Cops devoted entirely to this method of deterrence, and it's pretty funny to see completely deranged and violent criminals drop and shake around as if they got hit with a body-binder curse (note: I will reference Harry Potter, and you will like it).

These people are seriously dangerous and would likely hurt themselves, the cops or other people if they weren't taken down. This kid, however, wanted nothing but to put in his extra two cents, and his "resisting arrest" was hardly endangering anyone.

I realize that college kids can be obnoxious. Dare I say it, but we even have a penchant for breaking the law -- especially when it comes to victimless crimes. But I highly doubt most of us have cop-maiming aspirations or that our overzealous challenges to authority really deserve the brute force they're often met with. Manic civic engagement and a race to grab a piece of turf grass don't really need as much police attention as say, the murder rate in Philadelphia.

This ain't the '60s anymore, but don't make us start putting flowers in guns.

Because so much of today's news is negative (hey, if it bleeds, it leads), it's rare to find news commentary that gives props where they are due.

Of course, the Collegian copy desk members are just the people to rush in and fill this void. There is nothing we love more than to raise our index fingers and cry in a British accent, "Brrrrillliant!"

First of all, I have to highlight a story that had me at "marching monks in Mynamar." Aside from the awesome alliteration, this ongoing oddity is the result of thousands of the Asian country's monks abandoning their monasteries and taking to the streets. They're protesting issues facing all the country's citizens -- such as a huge increase in the price of oil -- but mainly, they're standing up to a government that makes Pinochet's reign look free and democratic. Mynamar is ruled by a junta (note the soft "j"), which is a fancy word for a political system tightly controlled through military oversight. It's not just that the armed forces protect the country, they also make every major decision. Nine times out of ten, they throw civil liberties out the window and rule with an iron fist.

The monks, however, are having none of it. In a series of non-violent demonstrations reminiscent of MLK or Gandhi, they have shown their dissent on the global stage for the better part of a week. They're even continuing to gather as the government has launched a smear campaign against them, imposed a ban on public gatherings and threatened the use of force. There is only one word, or rather, one acronym, to describe these monks. That, my friends, is BAMF.

Here's another "tip of the hat" to Hillary Clinton, whose clear advantage in the polls will likely skyrocket now that she has the endorsement of The International Union of Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers. Way to be in touch with working class America, Hillary, even though you went to Yale and have no concept of minimum wage. Really, though, we don't hate Hillary, we just think it's awesome The Associated Press found this interesting enough to write a full-length story about it. This is actually an extraordinary strategic move for Ms. Clinton. Now, even if she loses, she'll get an expertly crafted brownstone in Manhattan.

Lastly, let's extend a shout out to every journalist's most beloved concept, freedom of speech, and the slight inroads it just made. If you haven't heard, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University yesterday, an appearance in which he came under attack multiple times for his rather controversial views. The Holocaust might be a hoax, he said, and we should leave the possibility of dismantling Israel open for debate. The Columbia president has come under considerable fire for letting Ahmadinejad espouse his views, even as he repeatedly challenged the leader with rather insulting remarks. Cheers to this guy, who realizes that an Ivy League university is no place for censorship and that unpalatable ideas still deserve public debate. Don't let Midwestern conservatives bully you, President Bollinger, we say. To which he hypothetically replies, "Where?"