You know the feeling: You awake in an inescapable tangle of sheets, various body parts aching, face-down in a puddle of your own vomit. It's the morning after a night of heavy drinking and it's time to pay for all those shots ... again.
Hangovers have been destroying the lives of innocent college students everywhere and I am literally sick of it.
It's approaching noon and you had big plans for this weekend. Campus has been buzzing with exciting events that every young intellectual should experience -- from commitment ceremonies to presidential hopeful Barack Obama's visit. You might not make it to these, although that probably won't matter much, considering the amount of brain cells you have remaining.
The first step to escaping from this hang-over hell is to locate your belongings. I imagine guys don't have much difficulty in this department--if they've got their wallet they're golden--but girls can spend hours picking up bras, lip glosses and uneaten slices of Canyon that are strewn about the room.
At this point you have probably realized that you are missing either your camera or your cell phone and you may want to take a few moments to cry mildly. If you have managed to hold on to either of these items, however, it is time for a review of the night. If you are pinned under the arm of a random lover, you may want to return to your home base before proceeding. If not, crawl out to the living room where your roommates will almost certainly also be experiencing nausea and dizziness that no amount of Pepto could cure. Recapping is an amazing coping technique and laughing about those 20 text messages you sent to your ex is therapeutic.
Now that you have pieced together your night and discovered the sources of your numerous bruises, may I suggest some nourishment? A healthy serving of saltines paired with a king-sized bottle of Gatorade should do the trick. You may also want to consider popping a few Tylenol, because by now the slight buzz you were feeling is transforming into full-blown sickness. You'll probably find yourself on the toilet in a matter of minutes but for now lying on the cold linoleum of your kitchen floor feels so good.
After expelling your body of every item you've digested recently, its time to try to salvage this day. Pop in The 40-Year Old Virgin or Anchorman and curl up--after this you swear to yourself you'll do homework. Around the time Ron Burgandy starts ranting about a "whale's vagina" you'll be dozing off. When you awake some four hours later and realize it is now late afternoon, you might feel slightly unproductive. After a quick shower you'll be ready to bang out that Astro homework.
Chances are that shower lasts a little longer than expected, due to the feeling of ecstasy you receive from warm water streaming over your muddy, possibly bloody, body. The smell of some kind of noodle packet simmering on the stove is now probably wafting into your nostrils and this reminds you that it is again time to eat, temporarily postponing your adventures with Astro. Another re-cap will ensue among roommates at this time, eating up another hour.
As you glance at the clock over your Ramen, you may note that it is now approaching 9 p.m., and there's probably a show on you want to watch. After this, your bed is looking particularly comfy, granted you washed your linens. If not, you can just ball them up and throw them in a closet. Sleeping on a bare mattress never hurt anyone.
As the Day of the Hangover comes to a close, one may find that they are feeling like a worthless piece of crap. I'm here to reassure all of you boozers that this seemingly wasted day is an unavoidable slice of life. All in all, this day may have been full of pain, unpleasant odors and grieving over lost items but without a little R & R how are you expected to go out for round two tonight?
--Mary