"Wh--How? What? What's going on? How ... How did I get here?" the young woman cried, her sweaty face in her hands, hair all messy, obviously confused and probably a little scared.

"I don't know how I got here! How did I get here? What's going on?" she lamented again, shaking her head in despair and frustration, looking around at the faces for an answer, to which one man replied, "Will that girl just SHUT UP?"

This wasn't an episode of Law and Order. This was the Ohio State football game.

Three rows up from me, a girl had apparently drank so much alcohol before the game that she couldn't physically stand up. She was supported only be her blonde, curly-haired friend who refused to get her help, despite the fact that everyone in our section not only feared for the drunk girl's life, but also for our nice white, currently puke-free T-shirts. Apparently, someone with alcohol poisoning will be "fine."

"Haven't you ever seen a drunk girl?" one of her other friends asked us all after we watched her throw up onto a pile of blue and white Penn State Alumni Association-provided pom-poms.

Why yes, moron, I have seen a drunk girl before. However, I've never seen someone so hammered at 7:30 p.m. that she couldn't stand up or open her own eyes. Rookie nightlifer, if I ever saw one.

All that mattered to me, however, was that I had my own nice little white-clad army blocking me for two rows, shielding me from whatever came out of her mouth.

Well, believe it or not nightlifers, the drunk girl woke up in the middle of the third quarter, and, needless to say, was far more entertaining than a certain interception that occurred during the game.

"How did I get here?" she repeated over and over, prompting the kid next to me to ask if she would shut up.

I shrugged my shoulders and went back to crying over our BCS future.

But that's not all we heard from the drunk girl.

Apparently -- get ready to get grossed out -- someone stepped in her throw-up. Eww.

"Hahahaha! You stepped in my throw-up!" the drunk girl/Captain Obvious laughed.

Just another Saturday in the freshman/sophomore section of Beaver Stadium.

Anyway, this weekend was not only the OSU game, but it was also Halloween. Mix the two together, and what do ya have? Hall-O-SU. By the numbers:

-- 1 "Your mom goes to college" shirts -- Eerily, the T-shirt spoke the truth. My mom is attending Widener University to finish her degree.

-- 2 "Busta Nut" T-shirts -- Well, the Nittany Lion did bust out a nutcracker. Perhaps he can help these T-shirt wearing fools.

-- 1 old man in shorts dancing to Zombie Nation by doing a swimming move ... on top of his RV at 5 p.m. He almost fell off. I laughed.

-- 3 beards painted blue -- I know God is a Penn State fan because "the sky is blue and white" -- but apparently Papa Smurf is too!

-- 2 The Office-themed costumes -- One Pam, one "3-hole Punch Adam."

-- 4 people who asked me what my costume -- an all-black ensemble with a gun and braided hair -- was supposed to be -- Lara Croft, you idiots.

-- 1 winner of the first annual LMack awards, given to the person I think came up with the best freakin' costume in State College, amidst the slutty pirates, slutty cats, slutty bunnies, slutty keg costumes (yep, I know, people, I know) and all-around slutty costumes.

Nightlifers, I give you: GAY DUMBLEDORE.

Why I think it works -- because it's a hilarious breath of fresh air amidst the tired cowboys, pimps, Elvises and it's so politically incorrect and awesome at the very same time. There were many "magic wand" jokes made that night. Wingardium Leviosa, indeed.