Homecoming. I don't really getting the meaning of the word. We're coming home? Home, as in Penn State? But we're already here. Who's coming here? Hm.

In an effort to discover the meaning of Homecoming 2007, I signed myself up to be a participant in the homecoming parade, held Friday night, as a representative of The Daily Collegian. My job was to walk alongside a navy truck and smile. A lot. While passing out stadium magazines, written about Penn State football.

We had to arrive behind the IM building at 4:45 p.m. even though we didn't leave until 6:30 p.m. Regardless, it gave us time to see the guy juggling swords, who subsequently pointed out his battle wounds to his friends (gross).

Observation #1: Volunteers are superheroes who are tone-deaf.
The car carrying some volunteer organization was directly parked behind our van. So while we shivered and chatted, we were treated to some God-awful music, which was not limited to Prince and some weird disco music. It's cold enough already; are you trying to give my eardrums frostbite or something worse? Make them bleed so then you can volunteer to make me better? I love people that volunteer, but perhaps next time you should volunteer at a Jack Johnson concert.

Observation #2: Bananas are symbolic of AIDS and HIV.
So while we were shivering, NOT enjoying the music, we noticed the groups lined up next to us. Behind the Golden Key Honour Society, which featured an older gentleman dressed head to toe in a three-piece navy suit covered in golden keys, were persons promoting HIV/AIDS awareness. Pretty straight forward, right? Well, two of them were dressed in giant banana costumes. So my fellow Collegianites took turns trying to guess the banana association. Ideas like a giant um, male form, were tossed out, as was the theory that it'll make people notice them. Why not dress up in a banana suit? Naturally, I was right when I said it's like promoting safe sex and protection. Haven't you ever seen Never Been Kissed? You dress that banana up, State College. Stay protected. Author's Note: I have no idea what the purpose of the banana was. I'm just always right.

Observation #3: Some people in State College are admittedly illiterate. But Penn State kicker Kevin Kelly is not one of them.

People like free stuff, agree or disagree? When it's candy or food, definitely. Collegian magazines, eh, most of the time. I had to hit my stride when I passed them out to parade attendees. I soon realized that alumni love love love The Collegian (and so should you). They were all super excited when I handed them the magazine, and promptly opened it up and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the layout, the depth chart and the general awesomeness of our sports department and designers. But while many students eagerly took one, excited to read the latest football news and enhance their IQ, some did not. I had more than one kid tell me as I tried to hand him like a little tiny magazine, "I can't read." Well, not only did they receive a stern, eyebrows-raised, WTF look from me, but a Collegian in their hands. No Child Left Behind? More like No BS-ing Lazy College Student Left Illiterate.

Oh, and the Kevin Kelly reference -- one member of our business division handed a magazine to him, which he took, and I'm sure enjoyed. Especially the profile piece on him. Do you know what's KK's favorite song on his iPod? Well, if you don't you obviously haven't read The Collegian magazine. FYI: It's Stronger by Kanye West. See, kids? Kevin Kelly reads and, unlike the volunteer car, has awesome music taste. Let's all be like Kevin Kelly and enjoy reading and music. Okay?

Observation #4: TV personalities adore yours truly.
In the midst of my paper passing out-glory, I handed a paper to a man with a microphone, who called me darling, gorgeous and put me on his TV show and interviewed me about my "homecoming affiliation." After I told him I was from The Collegian, wrote about student government and was subjected to a nice little "winky-winky" from the Dick Van Dyke-wannabe, he told me he actually read my stuff, and it was good. Take that, float pompers. Hollywood, here I come.

Observation #5 Homecoming ROCKS.
Sure, sure, I heard Peanut Butter-Jelly Time a good 564 (no exaggeration there) times from the float in front of us, almost got run over by guys in giant blood droplet costumes and heard all about my friend getting groped by some old alumni (HAHA), but homecoming was actually really cool. I didn't see any mirroring ghosts (get it? "Reflecting the Spirit." Heh, heh, heh), but I saw a ton of people who truly love Penn State. Our school is freakin' awesome. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Besides -- we don't even have to try hard to have the best mascot in The Big Ten. Too badger sad, Wisconsin. We beat you. Haha. And I got to be on TV. Ohhhh yeah.

Til next week nighlifees and nightlifettes, stay safe and party on, Wayne.

PS -- Who saw the Blue Sapphire alumni get engaged during half-time on the football field??? Um, all I can say is that there has been a bar set as far as engagements go in State College. You hear that, guys? A yacht, a couple thousand white roses and Tiffany's will suffice for me. I'm pretty low-maintenance. But Beaver Stadium is certainly not out of the question.

--Lauren