The movie Animal House is forever immortalized for college students everywhere. From the ever-present toga on the Blue Loop to the frat brother who schemes to get a date with that untouchable sorority sister, Penn State is the 2007 version of the movie. And for me, and probably some of you nightlifers out there, that turns into a love-hate relationship with frat parties in general.

Don't get me wrong; I love the dance parties and the excess of cheap beverages that flow like water from the pledges' bar duties. But, when a frat party turns into Animal House, I begin to have a problem with the frat scene in general.

I ventured out Saturday night in hopes of finding The Perfect Dance Party and with visions of my straightened hair staying Medusa-free the entire night. Well, it was a negative on The Dance Party and a no-go on my hair not frizzing up. Still, I entered a fraternity on the premise that there'd be a "huge" party that night. Was it a huge party, Animal House lovers? Well, I ask you, did the Germans not bomb Pearl Harbor? (If you're about to correct me on my American history, then you need to leave your computer RIGHT NOW and go rent Animal House).

Thus, I was transported from Penn State to Faber College within moments of climbing down the fraternity's 50-year-old steps and entering the no-dry zone -- for sweat that is.

I first met "Flounder," who is, as you all should know, the ideal pledge. Does what he's told, creates a mockery of his own existence and sacrifices his brother's car for the Greater Good of all fraternity brothers of Faber College.

"Flounder": Are you on the list?
Me: ::raises eyebrows:: You have gotttt to be kidding me.
"Flounder": No list, no in.
Me: ::stares::
"Flounder": Um, okay, sign the list?

"Flounder" is apparently an up-talker. Sweet.

As I watched two, no three, no six total, guys get rejected as I waited for my friends to get in, I popped a lollipop in my mouth. Cherry, if you were wondering.

I then met "Boon," super-loyal to his frat, but more importantly, to his reputation.

"Boon": That guy over there -- look, look -- called me a bitch!
Frat brother: Where? Where!?
"Boon": That [expletive] called me a bitch! Look at him!

I turned my gaze to the so-called aggressor, but he had passed out standing up. I don't think he was fully capable of spelling, much less getting the energy to instigate a fight with some scrawny little pledge with a faux-hawk.
You all know the type, though, that one frat brother among the other really nice, cool ones. The one who looks for any instance to pick a fight, then looks around, scared for his "dawgs" to back him up. Chill, Boon, we're all just here to drink some cheap beer and sweat a lot.

My night ended when I encountered "Neidermeyer" -- obnoxious and insulting with no game and even worse, no concept of the importance of deodorant.

"Neidermeyer": Yo! Yo! Hot bitch!
Me: ::turning to my friend:: Is that guy actually talking to me?
Fellow veteran nightlifer: Yepp.
Me: Why?
"Neidermeyer": Supppp sexy? Tell me, where'd you get that lollipop? Do you like to suck on things?
Me: Why God? Why?
"Neidermeyer": I've got something for you to suck on... ::slowly inches closer, backing me into a corner::

And we took that as our cue to leave -- dignity intact.

Until next week, nightlifers, I leave you with some words of wisdom from the Delta house at Faber College: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life."

Beyond Beaver Canyon and Frat Row is a whole other world of nightlifing. A world, virtually so unknown, people hardly go there anymore. This is the nightlife world of — staying in. *EEK!*

I stayed in on Friday night, partly because I had to figure out what I was scheduling at midnight, and partly because I was just plain exhausted.

Scheduling is a big nightlife killer. I sat in front of the Schedule of Courses for the Spring 2008 semester for a good two hours trying to salvage a schedule that didn't have time conflicts and gave me a free Friday. This took five internet windows of the course list and two of my eLion account. Yes, there is an art to scheduling and after Friday I believe I am among those who can now successfully maneuver it.

But when midnight finally rolled around I could only schedule two of my courses; the others had to be OK'ed by the College of Communications. I was just a ball of frustration at that point. Me =
angry.

So I went and got some ice cream, a frustration cure-all. Some half-baked nonsense from Ben and Jerry. It was lovely.

During the day I had gotten sucked into a Friday Night Lights marathon on BRAVO and when I learned that the second season's premiere episode would be on at 9 that night, it solidified my decision to stay in. (By the way, the first episode was quite good. I suggest anyone who likes
football/football movies to just give it a chance.)

I haven't stayed in for a long while, but let me tell you, it's good to do. It's good for rejuvenating. It makes you ready and raring to go Saturday night. I did go out Saturday for the fourth weekend in a row to a birthday party. (There I watched the Phillies lose; sorry guys. Could be worse... you could root for the Pirates *sad face*) But made it an early night. It was so fantastic being lazy the night before, I wanted to salvage some time to be lazy that night.

But next weekend, give it a go. Get some snacks, maybe give Friday Night Lights a try and settle in for the night. And dare I say it, go to bed early? Whattttttttttttt?!

It's OK, you can thank me later.

Happy staying in!

- Erin

Homecoming. I don't really getting the meaning of the word. We're coming home? Home, as in Penn State? But we're already here. Who's coming here? Hm.

In an effort to discover the meaning of Homecoming 2007, I signed myself up to be a participant in the homecoming parade, held Friday night, as a representative of The Daily Collegian. My job was to walk alongside a navy truck and smile. A lot. While passing out stadium magazines, written about Penn State football.

We had to arrive behind the IM building at 4:45 p.m. even though we didn't leave until 6:30 p.m. Regardless, it gave us time to see the guy juggling swords, who subsequently pointed out his battle wounds to his friends (gross).

Observation #1: Volunteers are superheroes who are tone-deaf.
The car carrying some volunteer organization was directly parked behind our van. So while we shivered and chatted, we were treated to some God-awful music, which was not limited to Prince and some weird disco music. It's cold enough already; are you trying to give my eardrums frostbite or something worse? Make them bleed so then you can volunteer to make me better? I love people that volunteer, but perhaps next time you should volunteer at a Jack Johnson concert.

Observation #2: Bananas are symbolic of AIDS and HIV.
So while we were shivering, NOT enjoying the music, we noticed the groups lined up next to us. Behind the Golden Key Honour Society, which featured an older gentleman dressed head to toe in a three-piece navy suit covered in golden keys, were persons promoting HIV/AIDS awareness. Pretty straight forward, right? Well, two of them were dressed in giant banana costumes. So my fellow Collegianites took turns trying to guess the banana association. Ideas like a giant um, male form, were tossed out, as was the theory that it'll make people notice them. Why not dress up in a banana suit? Naturally, I was right when I said it's like promoting safe sex and protection. Haven't you ever seen Never Been Kissed? You dress that banana up, State College. Stay protected. Author's Note: I have no idea what the purpose of the banana was. I'm just always right.

Observation #3: Some people in State College are admittedly illiterate. But Penn State kicker Kevin Kelly is not one of them.

People like free stuff, agree or disagree? When it's candy or food, definitely. Collegian magazines, eh, most of the time. I had to hit my stride when I passed them out to parade attendees. I soon realized that alumni love love love The Collegian (and so should you). They were all super excited when I handed them the magazine, and promptly opened it up and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the layout, the depth chart and the general awesomeness of our sports department and designers. But while many students eagerly took one, excited to read the latest football news and enhance their IQ, some did not. I had more than one kid tell me as I tried to hand him like a little tiny magazine, "I can't read." Well, not only did they receive a stern, eyebrows-raised, WTF look from me, but a Collegian in their hands. No Child Left Behind? More like No BS-ing Lazy College Student Left Illiterate.

Oh, and the Kevin Kelly reference -- one member of our business division handed a magazine to him, which he took, and I'm sure enjoyed. Especially the profile piece on him. Do you know what's KK's favorite song on his iPod? Well, if you don't you obviously haven't read The Collegian magazine. FYI: It's Stronger by Kanye West. See, kids? Kevin Kelly reads and, unlike the volunteer car, has awesome music taste. Let's all be like Kevin Kelly and enjoy reading and music. Okay?

Observation #4: TV personalities adore yours truly.
In the midst of my paper passing out-glory, I handed a paper to a man with a microphone, who called me darling, gorgeous and put me on his TV show and interviewed me about my "homecoming affiliation." After I told him I was from The Collegian, wrote about student government and was subjected to a nice little "winky-winky" from the Dick Van Dyke-wannabe, he told me he actually read my stuff, and it was good. Take that, float pompers. Hollywood, here I come.

Observation #5 Homecoming ROCKS.
Sure, sure, I heard Peanut Butter-Jelly Time a good 564 (no exaggeration there) times from the float in front of us, almost got run over by guys in giant blood droplet costumes and heard all about my friend getting groped by some old alumni (HAHA), but homecoming was actually really cool. I didn't see any mirroring ghosts (get it? "Reflecting the Spirit." Heh, heh, heh), but I saw a ton of people who truly love Penn State. Our school is freakin' awesome. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Besides -- we don't even have to try hard to have the best mascot in The Big Ten. Too badger sad, Wisconsin. We beat you. Haha. And I got to be on TV. Ohhhh yeah.

Til next week nighlifees and nightlifettes, stay safe and party on, Wayne.

PS -- Who saw the Blue Sapphire alumni get engaged during half-time on the football field??? Um, all I can say is that there has been a bar set as far as engagements go in State College. You hear that, guys? A yacht, a couple thousand white roses and Tiffany's will suffice for me. I'm pretty low-maintenance. But Beaver Stadium is certainly not out of the question.

--Lauren

Away game weekends are always *strokes chin* -- interesting. Everyone seems to go home for the weekend or just hibernate.

So, needless to say, when there are less people around, there is usually less opportunity for nightlife. But have no fear; there are plenty of ways to occupy an away game weekend. Here are just a few:

1. Go home. And yes, I believe the majority of this campus did so. I was out around 9:30 p.m. and State College had taken on an almost ghost town-like status. Although, there could have been more unseen nightlife thriving within the bars. Which brings me to option #2 ... !!!

2. Go to the bars. At least the bars will never go home on a weekend. At least they'll always be there for you. They're the "what do you want to do tonight?" stand-by and yes, it's where everybody knows your name.

3. Go ice skating!! A group of Collegianites took a trip to the Ice Rink Pavilion this weekend to test out their Michelle Kwan skills. I wanted to go dearly, but had already made plans to go see a movie (Away game weekend option #4). I feel like ice skating is one of those things that elementary school teachers would promote. It's a physical activity, it's social and it's a learning experience! Yippie! But in all seriousness, it is definitely a nightlife activity option and even if you can't skate, leaning up against the wall and pretending you can while pointing and laughing at those who can't is acceptable participation.

4. Go to the movies. I, myself, partook of this option. I saw "The Kingdom." It made me nauseous, and for two reasons - 1) It's really gory and 2) the cinematography is on crack. The camera kind of does a "through the soldiers' eyes" thing and it's shaky and flashes back and forth. But otherwise it was a decent movie. Plus, tickets are cheap here compared to everywhere else and will take up at least two hours of your time to fill with wonderful weekend magic.

5. Go to the mall. I can't remember the last time I went shopping. If you don't have a car, the bus sucks, and if you do have transportation, you're going to need someone to go with. So if all your roommates went home and left you to fend for yourself, you're probably not going to want to go alone. That's when you shop online. And fill hours adding things to your invisible shopping cart, oblivious to the total you're accumulating. Alas, the beauty of clicking a mouse.

6. Go ... no where. Stay in. Yeah, I've talked about this before, but staying in encompasses a lot of stuff. This could mean renting a movie, watching a heck of a lot of football OR hosting a drinking game (a "300" variety of sorts has popped up, where you watch the movie "300" and drink every time you see a six pack. *swoons*).

So you see, there's a cornucopia of nightlife ideas. It's like freakin' Thanksgiving! I know I'm thankful ...

- Erin

"Wh--How? What? What's going on? How ... How did I get here?" the young woman cried, her sweaty face in her hands, hair all messy, obviously confused and probably a little scared.

"I don't know how I got here! How did I get here? What's going on?" she lamented again, shaking her head in despair and frustration, looking around at the faces for an answer, to which one man replied, "Will that girl just SHUT UP?"

This wasn't an episode of Law and Order. This was the Ohio State football game.

Three rows up from me, a girl had apparently drank so much alcohol before the game that she couldn't physically stand up. She was supported only be her blonde, curly-haired friend who refused to get her help, despite the fact that everyone in our section not only feared for the drunk girl's life, but also for our nice white, currently puke-free T-shirts. Apparently, someone with alcohol poisoning will be "fine."

"Haven't you ever seen a drunk girl?" one of her other friends asked us all after we watched her throw up onto a pile of blue and white Penn State Alumni Association-provided pom-poms.

Why yes, moron, I have seen a drunk girl before. However, I've never seen someone so hammered at 7:30 p.m. that she couldn't stand up or open her own eyes. Rookie nightlifer, if I ever saw one.

All that mattered to me, however, was that I had my own nice little white-clad army blocking me for two rows, shielding me from whatever came out of her mouth.

Well, believe it or not nightlifers, the drunk girl woke up in the middle of the third quarter, and, needless to say, was far more entertaining than a certain interception that occurred during the game.

"How did I get here?" she repeated over and over, prompting the kid next to me to ask if she would shut up.

I shrugged my shoulders and went back to crying over our BCS future.

But that's not all we heard from the drunk girl.

Apparently -- get ready to get grossed out -- someone stepped in her throw-up. Eww.

"Hahahaha! You stepped in my throw-up!" the drunk girl/Captain Obvious laughed.

Just another Saturday in the freshman/sophomore section of Beaver Stadium.

Anyway, this weekend was not only the OSU game, but it was also Halloween. Mix the two together, and what do ya have? Hall-O-SU. By the numbers:

-- 1 "Your mom goes to college" shirts -- Eerily, the T-shirt spoke the truth. My mom is attending Widener University to finish her degree.

-- 2 "Busta Nut" T-shirts -- Well, the Nittany Lion did bust out a nutcracker. Perhaps he can help these T-shirt wearing fools.

-- 1 old man in shorts dancing to Zombie Nation by doing a swimming move ... on top of his RV at 5 p.m. He almost fell off. I laughed.

-- 3 beards painted blue -- I know God is a Penn State fan because "the sky is blue and white" -- but apparently Papa Smurf is too!

-- 2 The Office-themed costumes -- One Pam, one "3-hole Punch Adam."

-- 4 people who asked me what my costume -- an all-black ensemble with a gun and braided hair -- was supposed to be -- Lara Croft, you idiots.

-- 1 winner of the first annual LMack awards, given to the person I think came up with the best freakin' costume in State College, amidst the slutty pirates, slutty cats, slutty bunnies, slutty keg costumes (yep, I know, people, I know) and all-around slutty costumes.

Nightlifers, I give you: GAY DUMBLEDORE.

Why I think it works -- because it's a hilarious breath of fresh air amidst the tired cowboys, pimps, Elvises and it's so politically incorrect and awesome at the very same time. There were many "magic wand" jokes made that night. Wingardium Leviosa, indeed.