Joe Paterno held his first press conference of the regular season this afternoon. First question asked and first question answered regarded the status of tight end Andrew Quarless and reserve cornerback Willie Harriott, both of whom will not play in this weekend's season opener against Florida International, and may not be allowed to play for three or four weeks, Paterno said.

That was the big news of the day, but as always, Paterno provided some quick witted responses (and a few lengthy rants) that we find hard to work into any news story we would ever write for the paper. Enjoy some nuggets below, in our first installment of Tuesday's with JoePa:

Q: Do you plan to be on the sidelines on Saturday?
JP: "I plan to be on the sidelines unless someone runs over me tomorrow."

Q: Are you planning on running out of the tunnel with the team?
JP: "Not really. I've got a new plan. I'm going to drop from a parachute. ... How do you think I'm going to get on the field? How about if you carry me out?"

Q: If the game were to get out of hand [considering FIU went winless last season], would you consider putting Pat Devlin in or would it be Daryll Clark?
JP: "I don't have the slightest idea if I'm going to stick Pat Devlin in, do you have any eligibility? Is 36 a good number for you? That was my number. I can stick you in there. I'm trying to win the game. I guess I don't make myself clear. I'm scared to death of the game, and you think I'm thinking about getting Devlin into the game? I'm serious about that. I think that everybody's got to calm down. Calm down. We're playing a good football team, and I don't know enough about their whole background, personnel or otherwise. I know what we are, and we're not a great football team. We're a long way from being a really good football team, because we have so many young kids that have never been there. You're going to see guys in that game that have never been to a game, and they're going to be in there in clutch situations. 107 or 108 thousand people in there, who knows what they're going to do? I don't. I'm not God."

I'm not God either,
-- Corey