After looking through the comments section of a CNN article written about Penn State’s loss this past Saturday, I felt it necessary to address the people who believe that all of Penn State is somehow responsible for the actions of a few people.
Kudos to you, good people of America.
I would just like to take this time to congratulate you on knowing everything there is to know about this unholy place called “Happy Valley.”
Being a current Penn State student, I remember when I was pulled from my first grade classroom by the Penn State administration and briefed on the coverup.
I said, “Sure, I’ll keep quiet, guys, because I want us to win football games, mostly because there is nothing on this Earth more important.”
It was great, they gave me a juice box and let me shake Joe Paterno’s hand.
The hard work I put into my academic career and extra-curriculars was mostly so I could go to a drinking school with a football problem.
In addition to my freshman seminar last year on “Participating In Horrific Scandals,” I also took Cults 110H.
This is a special honors class for only the most dedicated Penn State students.
All of our professors revealed early on that they were a key part of the coverup, and we soon found that so were the nearly half a million alumni.
Every time we attend a football game this year, it will be to show our unwavering support for Jerry Sandusky, because, when push comes to shove, he was a great football coach, and that’s all that matters.
Pay no attention to that nonsense they feed you about the Wall Street Journal ranking Penn State No. 1 with corporate recruiters.
Ignore our No. 51 rank in World Universities!
And don’t even get me started on that joke we call THON. Biggest student-run philanthropy in the world?
We just need something to do while we wait for football season to return.
We pay the highest public school tuition in the country because we know that even though we will never have jobs upon graduating, mostly due to our very small network, or lack-thereof, we will have seen young men throw around a pigskin, and we’ll have supported child abuse while doing so. Basically, I’d like to say thank you.
Your intelligence and logic rival only that of Fox News, you glorious angels.