It's the craze that's sweeping the nation.
Millions have downloaded the series or purchased it in paperback. It's front and center in displays at bookstores across the country, topping the New York Times Best Sellers List for weeks on end.
Yes, I'm talking about "Fifty Shades of Grey," the erotic novel that's filling the e-readers and bookshelves of homemakers across the country.
The plot of "Fifty Shades" is simple enough.
Extraordinarily clumsy girl with no personality meets extraordinarily rich, disturbed man, who both draws her in and repulses her with his mystery.
He, for his part, spends most of the novel telling her that he's very, very bad for her.
Sound familiar? That's because it's the exact plot of "Twilight," the popular teen vampire romance novels originally by Stephanie Meyer and the books that make up the source material for "Fifty Shades."
E.L. James, the erotic trilogy's mastermind, originally wrote the "Fifty Shades" books as a piece of erotic "Twilight" fanfiction called "Masters of the Universe," according to the Los Angeles Times.
For her part, the heroine of the "Fifty Shades" trilogy, a young, virginal co-ed named Anastasia Steele, is equally droll and drippy as her original counterpart, Isabella Swan.
Ana spends most of the novel second guessing herself, hating all other women and basing her happiness around a man who wants to turn her into his "submissive" in all things.
She also has voices in her head that make up the two most annoying characters in the book: her "subconscious" -- which is somehow very much a part of her conscious -- and her "inner goddess."
These two mini-Anas wear spectacles, hide behind couches and do the samba. It's absolutely horrifying, and takes away any sexiness the erotic parts may have had.
The lead male, Christian Grey, is admittedly intriguing in a strange way, much like his inspiration, Edward Cullen.
Despite the fact that "Fifty Shades" is absolute drivel, I can understand to some extent why women seem to be fawning all over him. A little bit of mystery goes a long way.
Despite that appeal, he's also completely insane, a stalker and his relationship with Ana is unhealthy, co-dependent and abusive. Definitely nothing to dream about, ladies.
The novel's writing is also an absolute embarrassment. James's characters talk like they are in the 1890s, using long, confusing words -- often incorrectly -- that people in our generation would never touch.
At least Cullen had an excuse. He was a century-old vampire. Grey is a businessman. A 27-year-old businessman. What?
And the sex, the reason the novel has become a taboo sleeper hit, is nothing short of bland and unappealing.
I've read erotic novels with a lot of character and depth -- no pun intended -- to such scenes, but Ana's voice makes the sex in "Fifty Shades" about as sensual as asphalt.
And there is so much of it that there is nothing buffering revolting scene after revolting scene, other than Ana's ditzy and moronic inner commentary. I haven't seen "holy crap" used this much since middle school.
However, despite its many, many flaws, there's just something that drives you to finish.
And if you're up for a laugh, perhaps downloading "Fifty Shades of Grey" is worth the money.
But don't bet on it.
Grade: C-
