Pop culture just can't seem to get enough of vampires these days. Between films like "Twilight" or television shows like HBO's "True Blood" and the CW's "Vampire Diaries" -- moody, good-looking bloodsuckers seem to be everywhere.
What seems to be missing from the pack is a good vampire story not centered on angsty love.
However, don't expect to find anything interesting in "Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant", a film based on the popular young adult book series, "The Saga of Darren Shan," and featuring the likes of John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek, Ken Watanabe and Patrick Fugit.
While the film does manage to shy away from the female-driven plots of its contemporaries, it is not only a poorly written and disjointed mess, but also downright boring.
"Cirque Du Freak" follows Darren (Chris Massoglia), a teenager stifled by his pressure-inducing parents, who acts out by spending time with a kid his elders don't like.
After the two attend a freak show passing through their town, Darren becomes fascinated by a large, mysterious spider, while his best friend becomes equally fascinated by the vampire who owns it (Reilly).
After stealing the spider, which subsequently bites his friend, Darren is forced to make a deal with the vampire in order to save his friend's life. This means that he must become a half-vampire assistant, forcing him to live at a camp with the "freaks" who perform in the show.
While the vampire elements are at least different from the tired angles viewers may be used to, everything about the film comes together a little too easy.
Of course Darren has a weird, spider fetish when the vampire he meets owns one. Of course his friend is something of a vampire expert and has a picture of the exact vampire they meet in one of his books.
And of course there's such a thing as a "half vampire" -- one is easily made as the film presents. Everything about the plot just seems thrown together and way too convenient.
This, coupled with the film's childish writing, is what makes it so disappointing.
Despite its PG-13 rating and some mild language, the dialogue and story are very PG indeed. With some of the grotesque freak show images removed, the film could easily be played on the Disney Channel.
The worst part of the movie, however, is the acting. In Hayek's few, brief scenes, she seems bored and ready to take her paycheck and go. Reilly, also, is a strange choice for a film like this. While he obviously isn't supposed to be an Edward Cullen alternative, it's never clear whether he is taking his role seriously, as a satire or whether he, like Hayek, is just doing this because he has to.
Massaglia is also probably the worst possible choice for a film lead.
He has absolutely no personality, delivering his lines and voice-overs with such blandness it's difficult to pay attention.
Darren's character provides no emotion, even when he is forced to leave his family. His blasé demeanor takes any hope of believability away from the story, which in turn leaves viewers wondering exactly how this could have been the best young actor the creators found.
There's also a side plot about a rival group of vampires (known as the "Vampaneze"), but it's so predictable that you will literally zone out during those points.
The final showdown is contrived, builds no tension and delivers no release.
If you're looking for an eccentric but imaginative alternative to the "Twilight" hysteria, go out and grab the first season of the fantastic "True Blood" and stay away from this predictable snoozer.
Grade: D
