If you're not one of those people who goes holiday shopping on Black Friday, I applaud you. You're doing a good thing for society.
Even during hard financial times such as these, though, U.S. retail sales during the festival of frugality rose 3 percent since last year. It's unstoppable. Americans' unquenchable thirst for bargains seemingly makes this pseudo-holiday immune to even the worst economic hardships.
For those of you that still haven't converted, stay strong. Black Friday is much scarier than you think. Things can get dangerous when you hit the malls to save some dough.
According to the New York Times, Jdimytai Damour, an employee at the Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, N.Y., was trampled to death by a herd of violent shoppers that broke through the front doors. Hey, at least they got first dibs on the Nintendo Wii.
After the stampede, emergency workers attempted to save Damour, but to no avail. According to the article, four more people were injured, including a pregnant woman.
God bless us, everyone.
This sort of event can make you lose faith in humanity. However, it would be unfair to say that all Black Friday excursions end this way. More likely, you'll find everyone from soccer moms to grandparents pushing, elbowing and running to make sure they can score the newest toy for their loved ones.
And for those that are truly desperate for sales, camping out is always an option. At the Wal-Mart where Damour was killed, people had been waiting outside the store all night, even posting a makeshift sign reading "Blitz Line Starts Here." I believe they called it Wal-Mart-Ville -- and it's what Jesus would have wanted.
For those who are less than excited about being crushed by an angry Christmas mob, try the newer, hipper Cyber Monday, the Monday after Thanksgiving, next year. It's less dirty than it sounds, and can be done from your living room with no human interaction whatsoever -- as the holidays were meant to be.
But sometimes the hardest part of buying gifts isn't finding the best deals, but figuring out what to get for the people on your list. Luckily, Kimberly Harris and others have just what you need.
According to the Chicago Tribune, Harris is one of several people creating Barack Obama Christmas ornaments this year.
"On Harris' ornament, available for $56 at etsy.com, Obama is sketched as an angel, carrying a banner that reads 'Adeste Fideles,' which is translated as 'O come, all ye faithful,' " the article said.
Apparently, the overstated metaphor machine is working in overdrive this year.
Still, this is a great Christmas gift for any Democrat, elitist, or secret Muslim. There's no word yet on whether John McCain ornaments will be adorning the trees of the much sought-after "bitter" demographic.
Bah, humbug!
Paul Nordeman is a senior majoring in journalism and is The Daily Collegian's Wednesday columnist. His e-mail address is pjn5005@psu.edu.
