The opening scene of Bryan Loves You consists of a warning to viewers to expect blood, guts and fear in the form of a documentary.
The warning, however, is the pinnacle of any actual fear instilled throughout the horror flick.
Bryan Loves You, starring and produced by Arizona State University graduate Seth Landau, was assembled with a budget near the price of college tuition. The film was released today and mimics a documentary -- think The Blair Witch Project -- about a cult based in Arizona around 1993. The catch is the cult worships a long killed-off child prince, Bryan, of whom the viewers learn very little about.
Jonathan (Seth Landau), a local therapist in the film, is the man behind the video camera in this "documentary." He, his friend Nicole (Candy Stanton), and friend Linda (Tori King) are the only people in the small Arizona town.
The viewers go on a confusing roller coaster ride of random plot points. For one thing, the reason for worshipping Bryan, although the film attempts to explain it, is not entirely clear.
The plot tends throughout the film to have no direction or end goal in mind. Planned situations that are intended to be terrifying are ultimately not scary at all. For example, when Jonathan is suddenly surrounded by the cult, alone, the obviously frightening scenario offers no thrills.
On the contrary, the followers of the Bryan cult are a laughable bunch of people who like to occasionally fashion weird-looking masks, bite non-believers as if they were zombies and talk about how much Bryan loves everybody.
One (and close to the only) positive trait that the film managed to keep under its belt was the back-story of Bryan, which was told by the character Professor Spine. Bryan was a child prince long ago. A villager, who was considered by some to be the devil, didn't agree with this monarchy. As a result, this villager was accosted and shunned by the townspeople. One day, he went crazy and decided to sadistically murder Bryan, the prince, who has been devotedly worshipped by Bryan followers since.
Taking into consideration the small budget Bryan Loves You was made with, it still had potential with its off-the-wall storyline. It was the confusing plot, inability to scare, and predictable final act that lead the film to its ultimate demise.
The film didn't deliver what it promised, and it didn't tie up any loose ends or end with much of a kick either. Though the plot did have a somewhat sinister feel throughout, it wasn't enough to carry the film.
But hey, at least Bryan loves you.
Grade: D
