Can I get you something?
The Something Store relies on the fact that you, like the approximately 21,300 other customers before you, would indeed like something, regardless of what that something is.
Somethingstore.com charges users $10 to send them a surprise. This surprise can be just about anything. The only guarantee is that there really aren't any guarantees. You won't know what your item is until it arrives. Your something can be appropriate for your sex, age, size or interests, or not. The product can be a great find or virtually worthless. It can be new or used. And you can't return the item or get a refund.
Examples of past somethings listed on the Web site include: a pen, a towel holder, a recycled bicycle chain, the "s" and "p" buttons for a keyboard, clear goggles, salt and pepper shakers in the shape of dachshund dogs, a solar rainbow maker, a planter in the shape of an egg, a piece of decorative glass and a wall clock that says "whatever" across its face.
You chance being the size 18 individual who is given a pair of size two jeans. You could be a woman who gets a beard trimmer or a man who unwraps fuzzy pink slippers. You could be a kid who is sent a wine thermometer or a senior citizen who scores a set of windup toys.
Like any other gambling venue, the Something Store always wins in the end. Occasionally, practical or valuable items such as an iPod, a GPS system, a coffee maker or a tool set are interspersed with loads of other worthless stuff. Since these nicer items would cost more than $10 with shipping and handling included, it makes sense that most other items' worth would rate vastly under $10 to make up for the losses on expensive products and still yield profits.
Here comes the best part: Laws and ethics prohibit your something from being just anything. According to the Web site, your surprise will not be "alcohol, organs or other body parts, body fluids, stem cells, embryos, drugs, drug paraphernalia, endangered species of plants, animals, or other organisms, fake ids, noble titles, miracle cures, toxic and radioactive materials, explosives, prescription drugs, license plates, lock-picking devices, pesticides, slot machines, computer hacking materials, guns, knives, ammunition, brass knuckles," and many other non-somethings.
Customers desiring to make such purchases should be redirected to the black market or a deserted parking lot to do their business.
Your something will not be a "precious material" such as "rare, scarce, or valuable stones." If anyone has notions of being the lucky customer who for $10 beats the odds and receives a diamond necklace instead of a plastic paperweight shaped like a cow, they are the target audience of an executive sitting somewhere laughing very hard and getting very rich at his or her expense.
However, as funny as the premise of the Something Store is, it points to a real sickness in our culture: consumerism for the sake of consuming. This store has found the ultimate niche market in America: the person who doesn't need anything at all. It's for the person who would rather surprise themselves with a useless item for kicks than take their small offering of $10 and apply that to meeting another's real need.
For example, India Literacy Project can educate a mother and child for one month on just $10. Or, the State College Food Bank can use a $10 monetary donation to purchase $50 worth of food due to its increased purchasing power from the state.
"Somethings" are the things we curse at as we attempt to pry them out from under our beds, dusty and still in their original boxes.
If you really want a something, come to the store I will begin running out of my basement. There, I will pay you to take such crap off of my hands.
Caitlin O'Malley is a senior majoring in international politics and public relations and is The Daily Collegian's Tuesday columnist. Her e-mail is cmo160@psu.edu.
