Everything I thought I knew

about the Queen of England is wrong.

So, so wrong. America and the United Kingdom seem similar culturally, but oh-my-word they could not be more different governmentally. America, the insolent British child that it is, prides itself on being a democracy. And though the U.K. has a prime minister and members of Parliament who represent the various geographic locations, its system of government is called a constitutional monarchy. Yeah, turns out that Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom does more than just sit pretty, feebly wave, have tea and say "Cheerio!" All members of Parliament pledge allegiance to her (not to the people they represent). She's even got the prime minister under her thumb. Girl's got veto power.

Every member of the Royal Armed Forces pledges allegiance to her and promises to serve her as well. The funny part is, so do the armed forces of Australia, Canada, Jamaica, Singapore, New Zealand and Malaysia. Technically, they are all still under the rule of the British crown. So what happens when Canada and New Zealand get into a big fight? Who's side would the Queen be on then?! *GASP*

If a Briton has the urge to write the Queen a letter, it is proper to sign it with the conclusion -- "your obedient servant." My British flatmate told another American flatmate and me this when we were thinking about writing the Queen a letter just for kicks. Since we're not British, he said we could sign the letter any way we want.

American flatmate: "I'm going to write the Queen a letter and say, 'Yo, what up dawg?'"

English flatmate: "You shouldn't call the Queen a dog."

American flatmate: "No, it's spelled d-a-w-g."

English flatmate: "Oh ... what's that?"

And so began the adventure of Americanizing our British friend. He can now say a very convincing American "shut up" and sometimes, when we're really lucky, he'll recite the lyrics of Three 6 Mafia's "Poppin' My Collar" in a very refined British accent. He, however, thinks our American accents have more character than the British accent, and said that my accent (Pennsylvanian) sounds very different from my friend's accent (Californian).

Someone once told me that the United States Southern accent was derived from the speech of the British upper class that once populated the South, way back when. Oh, linguistics.

But then we entered into the hazy world that requires no speaking at all -- hand gestures: shaking hands, fist pumps, high fives. Things we've been learning to do since we grew into our motor skills, but in British culture are basically nonexistent. For a culture that gets so up-close and personal on the underground at quittin' time, the British sure do like to keep their hands to themselves. They're not big on shaking hands or hugging upon meeting; some will instead offer a friendly short wave.

And to ride the wave of Obama's fist pump craze, when my American flatmate offered her fist to our British flatmate for a pump, he stared at it. He formed a fist and then debated what exactly it was he was supposed to do with it.

We taught him the basics of fist pumping and then explored the fine art of including sound effects and faux fireworks after the pump (PSHHHHAA! Fiya-cracka!)

We sort of feel bad about trying to assimilate him into our culture, but then he just tells us that our president is an idiot and we're even.

The fist pump is definitely not going to take off in Britain any time soon. But I've decided that if I ever do meet the Queen, I will graciously curtsey and then offer her my knuckles for a royal knock. Take that Barack and Michelle.

Erin Prah is a senior majoring in journalism and is one of the Collegian's columnists from abroad. Her e-mail is eep5004@psu.edu.