We've come a long way, baby. At least that's what we'd like to think.
In 1986, the most controversial film of the year was David Lynch's Blue Velvet, a film about a sleepy, picket-fenced small town and its salacious, crude undercurrent -- and probably for good reason: It's probably the only Academy Award-nominated film that prominently features both erotic asphyxiation and lobotomy.
The ensuing uproar seems understandable, at least until you realize the most controversial film in 2005 was probably the only Academy Award-nominated film that prominently featured two cowboys who scandalously fell in love.
You'd think we'd have learned something from Lynch, but judging from the evidence presented in a Florida obscenity trial this month, it's small town America that is still living in a bubble.
The defense, arguing in favor of a porn site operator, is using Google Trends to show that Pensacola residents generally prefer an "orgy" over an "apple pie," according to Google search records.
Maybe we'll be changing that phrase to "as American as two girls, one cup" in the near future.
It's bizarre that this is still an argument. Doesn't it seem obvious? I learned in my high school biology class that the mission of every species, including homo sapiens, is to reproduce and help the species survive. So yes, while Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love" is a jam and an eighth, people in the club would much rather hear Lil' Wayne li-li-li-li-lick it (or have it licked) like a "lollipop."
When it comes to the bottom line of survival, sex drives culture. Hell, "rock and roll" came from slang for having sex, and now it's become the signature of modern American music.
But all signs point to the fact that most Americans want sex to remain a subculture. Think about it: Our main mission as living beings is to have sex, but we don't want anyone to know we're doing it. Imagine if Wal-Mart didn't advertise its everyday low prices, instead trying to convince consumers that it was the most expensive retailer in the country.
An article in Wednesday's Collegian made it clear that those dudes with the "I'd rather be fishing" bumper stickers are full of crap, unless "fishing" is some creepy slang for getting some. According to a recent study, 53.3 percent of participants enrolled in college had sex during the fall following high school graduation, compared to 70.2 percent of participants not enrolled in college.
I guess that's the answer to the question "What are you doing with your life?"
We're still arguing about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus having an unclothed back in Vanity Fair, because, of course, everyone knows "spine" comes right after "breasts" and "ass" on the list of men's favorite body parts.
Yet last week, Flavor Flav told Complex Magazine that he lost his virginity on a box in the bushes at age 6. Everybody, say it with me: YEAAH BOYYY!
We've been through all this before. Elvis' hips, Madonna's S&M, Janet's nipple. The next day, everyone was still standing. And the next day, everyone was still trying to get laid.
Kevin Doran is a former Daily Collegian editor and reporter and is the Monday columnist. His e-mail is kevin.a.doran@gmail.com.
