In case you haven't heard, the location formerly known as Sports Café Bar and Grille will likely be taken over by former Penn State football player LaVar Arrington.
It's not known for being the "hot spot" in town, but Arrington hopes to change all that. With that in mind, we thought we'd give him a little assistance in setting up the perfect establishment.
We can see it now.
You walk into "Linebacker U", and are immediately greeted by a waitress donning a No. 11 jersey, a blinding white pair of whale pants and a complementary dreadlocks wig. The assorted video clips and still shots of Arrington dismantling opposing quarterbacks ensconce you in a soothing manner.
It's a comfortable atmosphere, despite the posse of former Penn State football players, whose careers flopped in the NFL, all hanging out in the corner booth, reminiscing about their times in Happy Valley. Don't look now, but Ki-Jana Carter just downed another Corona Light. Now that's a man's beverage.
As you venture deeper into the bar, the walls are peppered with Arrington's career stats, enhancing the harsh reality that you, oh patron at the greatest college bar of all time, will never be as talented or successful as the man who once leapt over Illinois' offensive line to sack the quarterback.
Already spinning at all of the wondrous things around you, you make it to your table, conveniently shaped like a football. A quick browse at the menu, and you've found your selection.
"I'll have the Troy Aikman please, and a LaVar Leap to wash it down."
Good choice, son.
That ground up meat stuck between two pieces of toast will fill even the hungriest man's stomach. And that beverage -- a combination of Southern Comfort, Peppermint Schnapps, and Lime Juice -- is a perfect way to announce to all the other people there "I don't know about you, but I've brought my A game tonight."
Sadly, your friend was craving a drink a little lighter, so he goes with the Anthony Morelli. It's an overrated drink, particularly when the waiter serves it to another customer while screaming, "Interception!"
Maybe next time, buddy.
Finally, you come to the highlight of "Linebacker U" -- The mechanical LaVar. Placed appropriately in the center of the place, it's the crème de la crème every bar should have, as customers try to see how long they can ride the contraption without falling off. You'd love to give it a try, but not tonight. You're still regretting that Troy Aikman.
Now that you've experienced almost everything the bar has to offer, it's time to go home, and wait another 24 hours until you can return for another fun-filled night at "Linebacker U" -- the one bar with class, style, and shame all tackled into one enticing package.
Do it, LaVar. It's a lock for success.
Just like you.
