I'm just going to go out on a limb and say it: The point of college is to learn things.
But Margaret, you say, how can I be expected to learn about game theory in international relations when I know the sun will one day explode and kill all mankind? How does learning about the price elasticity of demand help unravel the mysteries of the human heart?
And to you, I say, no, no, no. You have to differentiate between what I call "fake" learning and "real" learning. Fake learning, commonly known as schoolwork, is what college students spend most of college doing (or attempting to do). It's the stuff that will "get you jobs." This is a lie.
Real learning, which college students spend .02 percent of college doing, is what will actually get you ahead in life. Need an example? I've compiled a somewhat extensive list of the important things I've learned during the past 15 weeks. No game theory included.
The library is better in the daytime. Just because Pattee gives out free coffee after midnight doesn't mean you have to take advantage of it. Get your homework done on time and use your night hours to pursue more entertaining activities. Additional tip: Do not accidentally lose track of time and emerge from the stacks to find the library darkened and lifeless, then proceed to panic and imagine horrible scenarios where Penn Staters of the future find your bleached skeleton curled around a stack of aged books, your fingers desperately clutching and reaching for those last vestiges of light. Not that that ever happened to me or anything.
Do NOT mess with a sweatshop protester. As protesters go, the SLAP people are pretty badass. So far this semester, they've played Wiffle Ball in Old Main, dumped a sackful of Valentines outside Penn State President Graham Spanier's office, and of course, more than 30 were arrested recently for staging a sit-in. Moral of the story? The sweatshop protesters are basically more hardcore than the entire football team put together.
Don't leave your science project unattended in a parking garage. I think it's admirable that you want to help people with diabetes, I really do. But when you accidentally leave said science project (which happens to resemble a bomb) in a parking garage, prompting a four-hour shutdown of the surrounding area, my admiration diminishes somewhat.
Pugh Street after 11 p.m. on a Friday or Saturday night is dangerous. After an entire semester of covering the police beat, I can say with confidence that nary a Sunday police briefing has passed without at least one disturbance on this street. If you value your life, possessions or teeth, steer clear.
So, whatever you've learned this semester, be it the law of diminishing marginal utility or just how to get the high score on Super Smash Brothers, cherish it for what it is: valuable knowledge that could help you out someday.
