They mock me. Sure, they don't know they are doing it. They sunbathe on HUB lawn. They make a mid-day bar stop at Café 210, drinking Long Island iced-teas, a gentle breeze in their hair, warm sun on their skin, careless, worry-free.

As I run from presentation to presentation, pull all-nighters in the computer lab and hand in unstapled, unedited term papers freckled with typos and unfit to be used as a scrap to spit out gum, I can't help but be a little jealous. Though I'd like to trade in my suit and heals for their flip-flops and miniskirts, it isn't summer just yet -- at least for some of us. And the 100 page paper I have yet to write definitely isn't going to let me forget that fact.

But just when I felt like the biggest, most miserable and sleep-deprived failure on earth, I realized there are plenty worse out there and I console myself at their expense. So, if you too experienced a veritable hell week during these last few days of classes at Penn State, you'll appreciate my list of other people who still have it worse than us and are bigger, better screw-ups:

Sleepy 9-1-1 operator: According to CNN, a Memphis 9-1-1 emergency dispatcher fell asleep while taking a call from a woman whose house was in the process of being robbed. The dispatcher then proceeded to snore into the phone for a full minute. Maybe it was the dispatcher's hell week too?

Sleepy robber: Apparently, it's tiring robbing and vandalizing churches these days. The Associated Press reported that police were called to Boston's Most Precious Blood Church where they found a broken stained-glass window, chalices strewn about, missing rugs and an open safe. They then found a man in the church basement, napping. The man was arrested, but not before kicking an officer in the groin. According to police, a search of the man turned up a gold spoon with religious symbols, two knives, a sword and prescription pills. Interesting combination.

Possibly-sleepy Three Mile Island guard: A security guard at the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant has been suspended for being "inattentive," according to WGAL.com. Spokesman Ralph DeSantis said that "could mean sleeping, it could not mean sleeping." I say, this guard, the 911 operator and the robber need to find more sleep-friendly work environments.

I am currently on the search for a more sleep-friendly work environment as well, since writing short novels for three-credit classes just isn't cutting it. I thought about going into the circus, but I don't have any dangerous talents. I can't even hold my breath past 30 seconds. However, I can make a mean boxed Funfetti cake and I think this will take me places. After all, Manhattan "cake designer" Elisa Strauss charges at least $1,000 per cake, according to CNN.

But before I go dropping out of Penn State, I will try my best to take the next week to soak up the quaint, pristine beauty of State College before leaving for summer. After all, it could be worse. I could be like many other Penn Staters who are going home to Pittsburgh, which the Associated Press just announced is officially the "most sooty" city in the country.