You're tan. You're tired. And you're really itchy in your nether regions. Welcome back to State College, you naughty spring breaker, where the hook-ups require effort but the diseases are treatable.
As a visitor in the city of San Juan, Puerto Rico, last week, I noticed a few interesting yet concerning trends among lust-filled spring breakers. They will be discussed here so we can forever leave them in paradise and out of Happy Valley.
We'll begin with the obvious, a lesson learned by many this vacation: abstain from amorous encounters with strangers. Sure, it was spring break, so shoving your tongue down the throat of a Florida State frat boy is understandable, but in retrospect, moving it to the boudoir may have been a bad idea.
Even more dangerous for those of us traveling to foreign countries was the temptation to become romantic with the locals. These people have been eagerly awaiting the influx of scantily clad college students for months and, while they probably have a ready supply of lube and gag-balls, my guess is they're skimping on the contraceptives. So take your recently acquired syphilis souvenir and learn from it. Don't be a fool; cover your tool.
Even more disturbing than hooking up with a stranger is the tendency to overlook the age factor when under the influence of 25 tequila shots. Scruffy men, who are old enough to be my grandpa and have the intoxicating scent of scotch wafting from their dentures, suddenly look like distinguished gentlemen.
The college male isn't off the hook either. I know the lure of the elusive MILF is hard to resist, but dislocating her hip during intercourse will certainly be awkward. We can take our knowledge of the wily senior citizen and use it here in State College. While the presence of older people in local bars is not abnormal, it is becoming obvious that some are on the prowl for fresh, young meat. I, for one, do not want to wake up next to gramps wheezing for breath beside me, possibly on the verge of death from an overly strenuous night of passion.
Another spring break faux pas: exposure. When first stepping onto those white sandy shores, one may feel the sudden urge to remove some or all of their clothing. Please refrain. Sure ladies, many guys enjoy seeing a wide array of aureole during their vacation, but the rest of us would rather you put your dinner plates away. Exposing yourself for a camera is an even bigger no-no. As the proud owner of Guys Gone Wild: Spring Break, I fully appreciate the hilarity of twisting your genitals up like a balloon animal, but how will you explain this to Mom? One day, she's going to be up late watching Golden Girls and your censored schlong or star-covered nipple will be offered to her on box set for $19.99. If you've already bared your goodies on camera, I suggest you steer clear of the "Gone Wild" recruitment busses in the future, as they have been known to pass through State College on occasion.
It also seemed to be a trend for spring breakers this year to fully adopt the role of "douche bag" while on this little college hiatus. For starters, wearing your sunglasses in a well-lit airport is completely unnecessary. Equally obnoxious was the trend toward sauntering over to a hottie, beer in-hand, and throwing out a corny line. I also noticed that some spring breakers were inclined to introduce themselves using aliases -- my personal favorites being "Bunion" and "His Greekness." Adorable as this is, I'd much rather call you "Bob" instead of being reminded of painful foot deformities while immersed in a sex act.
Although the long-anticipated break is over, we should remember to always keep our libidos in check. Learn from your spring break mistakes but cherish the memories -- even if they result in a trip to Ritenour for some Valtrex.
Mary Kanaskie is a senior majoring in advertising and psychology and is a columnist for The Daily Collegian. Her e-mail is mlk5006@psu.edu
