As spring approaches, we, the always-classy students of Penn State, go through a transition. Gradually shedding our clothing and our inhibitions, we come together in celebration of the mating season.
I used to think mating rituals were just for baboons on the Discovery Channel, but after an extremely scientific Google search of "weird animal mating habits," I began thinking that perhaps we should take a cue from the animal kingdom when seeking out partners this spring.
And so, I have compiled a guide to which creatures we should emulate and which we should not.
Who we want to be like
The seahorse: The male seahorse takes care of his babies while his wife is off looking cute and possibly singing songs from The Little Mermaid. At least, that's what I'm picturing. You guys need to take more responsibility for your actions and baby-sit while we get makeovers and carouse around town with our friends.
The peacock: These guys get credit for effort and style, but they're walking a fine line -- and that line is painted with varying shades of baby blue, pink and purple. The desperate desire for attention smacks of a little too much vanity. So perhaps, we should rethink the peacock. Got that boys? Put down the hair gel, the Jager bombs and the handheld mirror.
The white-fronted parrot: These are the only species besides humans known to kiss. Because this is adorable, we should show our significant others more affection. Tongues down throats in bars are big no-no's, however.
The squid: Our slimy friends initiate foreplay with a nuptial dance and then have sex all day until twilight when they go offshore to eat and rest. They continue this routine for up to two weeks. Girls love a man who can dance, doesn't have erectile dysfunction and takes her out to dinner. Thumbs-up to the squid.
Who we do not want to be like
The cat: First of all, way too many babies. And second, where's that male cat afterward? I have yet to see a male cat look after his young. See "the seahorse" above for further clarification.
The porcupine: To initiate sex, the male pees on the female. I love R. Kelly and all, but no thanks. One should remember to keep all bodily fluids under control unless instructed otherwise.
Grasshoppers: With these guys, it's all about the mating call. Since this seems to be the strategy of most collegiate males, I feel it must be addressed. Screaming at your potential hook-up from across the bar is no way to win her affection. Sidle on over and buy her a drink. Don't yell. If you're this loud in a crowded environment, I can't imagine being alone with you when you're on the brink of pleasure, so cool it.
Red-sided garter snakes: After climbing into a giant orgy where females have up to 100 males contending for them at a time, some of these lewd ladies are smothered in the pile. No matter how wild you feel the need to be this spring, suppress the S&M urge enough to finish the job alive.
In conclusion, we should recognize that, as The Bloodhound Gang so eloquently put it back in '99, we "ain't nothin' but mammals." We should not, however, always do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Some things are best left in the jungle and out of the bedroom.
