In recognition of the fact that my last column was bordering on warm and fuzzy, I thought I'd completely negate that with a healthy dose of negativity just in time for the holidays. So, without further ado, here's everything messing up Christmas, courtesy of Leslie "the Grinch" Small:
Bad Christmas movies: I cannot for the life of me understand producers' need to besmirch the good name of the classics like It's a Wonderful Life and Garfield's Christmas Special with drivel like Jack Frost and Jingle All the Way. I realize that a holiday structured around giving and pretty lights is just asking for a Hallmark Channel movie every year, but please show a little restraint. I'll take the misfit toys over Santa's family dynamics any day.
Lack of latkes: The only things more delicious than potatoes are pancakes. When the two are combined, it's like starch utopia. I realize that latkes are part of a sacred Jewish tradition, but I've always lobbied for the combination of Christmas and Hanukkah anyway. Think about it: Eight days of presents and a Christmas tree. Add a Festivus pole, and you're in business.
Warm climates: Don't get me wrong; I love some pristine beaches. But palm trees strung with lights just aren't the same. Christmas is always better with a little snow on the ground -- the more road impairing, the better. I sincerely feel bad for those celebrating where there aren't definitive seasons, but hey, now might be a good time to take that trip to Aspen, Colo.
Fake Christmas trees: Speaking of things undeserving of decoration, let's talk about this horrendously prolific trend practiced by empty nesters and lazy people alike. When you picture the perfect holiday, does it normally involve yanking something out of a box and meticulously arranging its evil synthetic branches? Or does trudging through the snow to pick out that perfect tree and taking in its heavenly pine scent sound a little nicer? If you want to be nice to the environment, get a live tree and plant it in your yard. Otherwise, scrap that imposter Tannenbaum before I put coal in your stocking.
Electric bills: They indisputably take all the fun out of making your house or apartment glow from every nook and cranny. I am convinced that PECO, Allegheny Power and all the rest of them have enough money to go around, and I'd rather not fund these monopolies' Christmas bonuses. So how about a reprieve in December guys? Pretend I'm Tiny Tim and you're Scrooge.
Online shopping: Whatever happened to braving the mall crowds and stalking people for parking spots? Are we really so lazy and isolationist that we need to mouse-click our way to buying gifts? I want to double fist shopping bags and Starbucks and fight tooth-and-nail for my discount. And I don't want to pay shipping for something I could go out and get myself, nor find out two weeks later that it's a completely different color than I thought.
Sending useless Christmas cards: Invariably, I end up asking my mom every year why we're sending a greeting to people whose names I don't even know. Her answer is always, "because they sent us one." The thing is, we haven't seen these people in years, and it's unlikely either side really cares too much about the other anymore. I sense this is the case in a lot of families. I'd rather give those cards to people that make our lives brighter every day, such as the produce guy, the Starbucks barista or the traffic cop that let a parking violation slide. Don't forget about these people just to save face with practical strangers.
Real-life Grinches: Someone stole donations for two local churches last week. Out of the Life Sciences Building. Right before Christmas. As Garfield said in his famous Christmas special, you "deserve to be drug out into the street and shot."
A Christmas Carol: Touching story, but like nearly everything Dickens, motion picture versions scare the crap out of me.
Finals: All I want to do is bake cookies, and you demand that I study for my crime, law and justice test. Hate, hate, double hate ... LOATHE ENTIRELY!
Happy Holidays, everyone.
Leslie Small is a junior majoring in journalism and political science and is the copy chief for The Daily Collegian. Her e-mail is lcs5020@psu.edu.
