Back in my day, we didn't have all these teenaged hoodlums walking around in saggy pants and listening to hip-hop music.

Back in the good ol' days, we wore our pants tight, and we liked it. Well, we didn't actually like it, but you didn't hear us complaining about it, no siree. It built character, those tight pants. And we listened to lounge singer Paul Anka, a man's man, none of this Kanye West "that don't kill me can only make me stronger" mumbo jumbo. That Paul Anka, he liked his suits skin-tight.

Thank the good Lord, though, because finally someone's doing something about these saggy pants showing all kinds of underwear and backsides and God knows what else. Delcambre, La. is putting its foot down on those hoodlums' saggy pants. Now, if you show off your cotton boxer shorts, you're going to prison for six months and pay a fine of $500. That'll show those Levi-wearin' kids with their rock-and-roll music some discipline.

Atlanta and Trenton, N.J. have their own laws on the way, and thank heavens. If I had a nickel for every time I've seen a man's buttocks in Trenton, I could take a cruise. I could use a nice cruise, playing Bingo and shuffleboard with a bunch of good, disciplined people such as myself. We'd listen to the great Paul Anka and dance until Wheel of Fortune came on.

I don't know about this State College Mayor Bill Welch's take on the situation, myself. "As long as their privates are covered, and they're not causing a public indecency, what does it matter if they're wearing them or not?" he said.

Clearly, Mayor Welch has a warped look at the world. Of course, it matters. If we allow people to start wearing saggy jeans, next thing you know there'll be all kinds of crazy hip-hoppin' kids performing all kinds of sinful acts right there on College Avenue for the world to see.

If I had it my way, anyone who isn't wearing tight shorts or blue jeans with their shirts tucked in should be thrown in the slammer with all the murderers and rapists. They're just as bad, so they should be living the same way -- in an overcrowded cell full of the other godless, saggy pant-wearing hooligans.

Trenton councilwoman Annette Lartigue had it right when she spoke to the Associated Press: "Are they employed? Do they have a high school diploma?"

That's right, all you jobless dropouts: We don't want to see your backside. The downfall of your jeans is just a microcosm of the downfall of Western civilization. Get a job. Get some class. Just make sure you start the way all us good ol' boys did it: one skin-tight pant leg at a time.