Remember that time we broke into Old Man McGruder's Wine Distillery and made grand old fools of ourselves? Oh, those were the days. To be young again.

This year has taught me so much. Not just about molecular anthropology and differential equations -- but about friendship, life and love.

I've learned so much at Penn State this year, and instead of hogging all of that brain knowledge to myself, I will now proceed to share it with you right after this colon:

Do you like going to class? Then you are a square -- A SQUARE I SAY!

Seriously, why would anyone go to class in this age of online PowerPoints and Nittany Notes? Especially when there's God of War II to be played? (Zeus totally has it out for Kratos! It's crazy!)

The first thing you learn in economics is the concept of "opportunity cost."

This means that every action you take has a theoretical "cost," that being the second-best choice you would have taken if you hadn't chosen to do the thing you did.

For example: My opportunity cost for going to class is sleeping.

Perhaps yours is throwing a Frisbee around with pals or flying to Cabo San Lucas with your exotic supermodel girlfriend who swears she's off cocaine for good.

Whatever it is, if you take a step back and reassess your priorities you'll probably realize that the opportunity cost of going to class is actually a more attractive option than actually going to your class.

As Sam Richards says, "Cs earn degrees!"

Attending Movin' On is more harrowing than you'd think.

Movin' On -- the free outdoor concert held on the HUB lawn at the end of every year -- sounds like a good idea in theory.

But just as Phantom Planet was playing one of my favorite songs, "Big Brat," I noticed out of the corner of my eye some cops taking down this really large dude not 10 feet away from me.

The next day I found out via the police log that this guy was carrying a handgun on him.

That was a pretty big reality check for me. I realized that there are more important things in life.

I decided to dedicate my life to help make this world a better place.

Suddenly I recalled a documentary I saw recently about a horrible old woman who wanted to kill a bunch of puppies just to make a coat.

I wondered why someone hadn't done something about this lady, why PETA was just letting her get away with this.

I quickly gathered some friends and organized an action team.

I explained the situation, and they explained to me that 101 Dalmatians was, in fact, not a documentary, but rather a live-action remake of 1961 Disney animated film.

This was when I started organizing a class-action lawsuit against Disney for making me feel like an idiot.

My point is, find a cause and dedicate yourself to it.

Keep your eye on the prize.

You may make a lot of friends in college and you may have a lot of good times, but always remember the real reason you are here: to get an awesome job and make billions of dollars.

You are competing against all of your fellow students to get the one and only billionaire spot available to Penn State graduates.

This means doing whatever is necessary to make it to the top.

For example, my friend recently described to me a brilliant invention that he had come up with: edible steering wheels.

Imagine -- you get stuck on the side of the highway. You call AAA for a tow.

What happens if you get hungry
while you're waiting for them to get there?

Well if you could eat your steering wheel -- problem solved!

They could be made out of cheese. Or bread.

So anyway, after my friend told me this idea, I shoved him into a closet and locked it.

I wonder if he's still there. I haven't heard from him since.