We've all seen them. They descend in packs upon our parties and blind us with their flashes of light. They're usually girls, sometimes guys, and they're always armed -- with cameras.
They are Compulsive Picture Takers (CPT), and they must be avoided at all costs.
They don't miss the opportunity to capture any remotely memorable, funny moment and record it for all posterity. They are in relentless pursuit of their lifetime goal -- having 1,000+ tagged pictures of themselves on Facebook.com. They work toward this goal by tagging themselves, even tagging pictures already contained in their 15 "photo albums." They expect to be tagged if they are in the background of a picture. If a portion of their finger nail is visible, you best be tagging them. They travel with their kind. They will ask you to take "a" picture, and then proceed to give you all six of their cameras. Dying batteries or your lack of knowledge of how to operate each camera will not stop them from instructing you to take at least 12 "retakes" until each hair on every person's head is perfect and the light is hitting them just right. They are in constant search of a new Facebook glamour shot.
At parties, their constant flashes going off may fool you into thinking there's a strobe light. Their pictures will be posted before you get home -- complete with play-by-play comments on every picture.
I know what you're thinking: CPTs are self-obsessed. But there's more to it than that. These creatures possess a direct ratio of two ounces of blatant insecurity per one ounce of excessive vanity. To save us all from CPTs, I have created a Most Unwanted List for poses. None of these poses are ever acceptable, for any reason, at any time:
The "Bird": Why flip off a piece of machinery? What did your camera ever do to you? You don't look tough. You don't look cool. And whoever sees this picture will probably like you a little less instantly. At least if they're me. The ever-popular "middle finger pose" reminds me of when a few boys first realized what the middle finger meant in fourth grade and everyone else was left out of the joke.
The "Birthday Suit": This one has enjoyed a recent explosion of popularity -- unfortunately. Included are those people almost naked to completely naked. At the least offensive and most hilariously pathetic range of this genre are shirtless gentlemen who just so happen to be caught on camera spontaneously touting their greased muscles and slightly flexing their arms. Girls, however, are even more likely to abuse the naked picture rule and themselves. I have witnessed in horror pictures ranging from "oops! my shirt just fell off" to "oops! you caught me on the toilet." I have never regained my appetite. My advice: If you're going to totally disrespect and exploit yourself, you might as well be getting paid for it.
The "Always Thirsty": If you can never resist the urge to make every beer bong, swig, shot, keg stand, blue cup, red cup, empty bottle, or full bottle a Kodak moment, you have a problem -- in addition to alcoholism.
The "Gangsta Life": There's no need to throw down the West Coast symbol when you're really from the East Coast and probably grew up in the suburbs. And, finally, the single most disgusting, inexcusable, and over-done picture of all time:
The "Kissy-Face": Need I say more?
Warning: While cameras are safe in moderation, these pictures may come back to haunt you. They may result in lost job opportunities, utter humiliation and a ruined life. In rare cases, you may be dumped or disowned from your family. Or they just might make someone like me extremely nauseous. Do not take these pictures if your parents, younger siblings, significant other or potential employers have access to Facebook and/or Webshots.
The best pictures aren't planned, and they will be remembered long after you -- gasp -- are untagged.
