Summer is right around the corner, and you know what that means -- beach, bathing suits and debauchery.

I just had a taste of the warm weather while spring breaking in South Beach, a place where anything goes and people let it all hang out.

From old men in g-strings to moms bearing their breasts, it's safe to say I saw it all.

Although I think it's great that people were so comfortable with their bodies, there were some major fashion faux pas that I noticed, and I want to warn you all not to make the same embarrassing mistakes this summer.

I also witnessed some strange beach behavior that should best be avoided.

So here are a few tips for beach etiquette, so you can look and feel great on the shores without making the person tanning next to you want to crawl under the sand.

Rule One: Keep the Bare Tops Grounded

Hey ladies, if you are bold enough to bare your breasts, I say go for it. I know from experience that tan lines are the worst. But if you're on a public beach with families walking around and little kiddies building sandcastles, it's probably best to undo that bikini top while lying down.

In South Beach my friends actually saw two topless girls jumping around and tossing an egg to each other. Not only was that borderline inappropriate, but I imagine it was pretty painful. Ladies, keep them on the ground. If you want to run around and have a bare-breasted egg toss, go to a nude beach. Period. Oh yeah, and don't forget sunscreen.

Rule Two: Not Everyone Should Show Off Their Caboose

Now what about those g-strings and thong bikinis? Anyone can wear them if they simply want to lie on their stomach and tan their assets.

But if you're going to walk around the beach bearing your bottom, make sure it's tan and firm.

How can I forget the old man I saw walking down the beach in a bright orange g-string? When a soccer ball came his way, he casually stopped to kick it back to the group of young guys it came from.

Not to say the old man didn't have a great bod for someone his age, but the wrinkly butt was just a little too much to handle.

While grandpa may be a little past his prime, you young'uns out there still have a few months to get your backside in shape. I suggest squats and lunges.

Rule Three: Speedos Are For International Hotties

If girls can dress scantily on the beach, so can guys. But for some reason American guys tend to look a little dorky in speedos. I account the invasion of speedos on South Beach to the large number of international tourists, and these guys tend to pull them off the best.

I usually don't find speedos very attractive unless worn on the right people, and these are usually guys from other countries who are lean, tan and well shaved. American men, your best bet is to keep sporting the board shorts, unless you look like Fabio, Prince William or David Beckham.

Rule Four: No Funny Business on the Beach during Daylight Hours

OK, so you're with your significant other (or that person you met at the club last night) and you just can't get over how great they look in a bathing suit. Get a room! Nobody wants to see you two making out on the beach.

My friends and I saw quite a few PDAs within a 10-foot radius on the beach, and it wasn't pretty. One woman actually crawled on top of her boyfriend and initiated a full-blown smoochfest.

I'm surprised the guy didn't push her off of him.

I mean, she was blocking his sun. All jokes aside, lovebirds should utilize the beach after sunset. It's much more romantic then anyway.

Rule Five: Watch Where You Throw Those Balls

Get your mind out of the gutter, I was taking about footballs. How many times did I have to put my hands up to shield my nose from suffering the same fate as Marcia Brady? The last thing I needed was to come back to school in a nose cast. Guys, if you're going to throw those footballs on the beach be considerate and stay away from people trying to relax.

While the beach may be a place to let loose, it doesn't mean you can just let etiquette fall by the wayside.

There's being comfortable on the beach, and there's being a little too comfortable on the beach.

These rules are sure to save you from those awkward glances or the sudden realization that everyone who was tanning near you has disappeared.

So crumple them up and throw them in your beach bag this summer.

Some day you'll thank me.