There are 12 things you can learn from Joel Schumacher's new film, The Number 23. (I picked 12 because 1+2=3, then if you move the 2 to the tens place, then apply the 3 to the ones place, YOU GET 23. That's the logic you can expect from the movie.)
1. Being a dogcatcher is a pretty dull job, so stay in school.
2. The only thing that can relieve your boredom as a dogcatcher is being bitten by a dog referred to as the "guardian of the dead."
3. When you're late to meet your wife for dinner, she will reward you with a book, one that will change your life forever. Had you not been late, your life would remain happy. This oxymoron of fate based in circumstance is all over this movie.
4. Under no circumstances should you ever name a character in a movie Fingerling. No one will take that seriously.
5. If you base a screenplay on obsession with minutia, try not to overdo it. For instance, don't make multiple stabs at overtly pointing out that 9/11/2001 adds up to 23 in an artsy yet weak attempt to say "all the warning signs were there and the government did nothing."
Also, if you run out of things that add up to 23 such as social security and credit card numbers don't start applying the phenomenon to 32, what many characters refer to as, "23 reversed!" Oh, and just in case you're asking, murder has nothing to do with the number 23, no matter what the plot may try to convince you.
6. If you can't figure out what the number 23 "means" then your hipster doofus son seems to be pretty adept at phenomena like this.
7. When your imagination starts running while reading books, these thoughts are either flooded in darkness or blinding white light because there is no good lighting in your mind's eye.
8. If you can make a 90-minute movie feel like 3 hours, you really need to study pacing in mysteries.
9. If you get an audience in the right mindset, paranoia is pretty contagious. While it might be entertaining, it's really just a cheap gag that can make everyone think that there is a deeper meaning in your film, but the audience is just feeling the effects of the mind doing what it does best, thinking.
10. Jim Carrey is a good actor; he should really pick better roles. When an actor goes on the Late Show with David Letterman mocking the premise of the very movie he's promoting, you know it has to be bad.
11. Despite the fact that everyone in the movie went in search of the number 23, we're all supposed to believe that the number found them. Ooooo, scary huh?
12. When Joel Schumacher makes certain parts of his films interesting, he has an opportunity to save a movie, only to kick you in the head and tell you to ask for a higher meaning in the bruises to your brain. Don't try to; it'll only add to the pain the movie just brought you.
Grade: 2 x 3 = F (the 6th letter of the alphabet)
