I was really looking forward to being entertained by Nicolas Cage's over-the-top acting, special effects that would make the Hulk blush and Eva Mendes on a 10-foot screen. Ghost Rider had every opportunity to be "so bad it's good," and it even goes below those expectations.

The movie starts off with narration by Sam Elliott -- my mind was already wandering as I imagined Elliott narrate The Big Lebowski -- telling the story of the Ghost Rider. According to legend, the devil usually tricks men into selling their souls to him for something in return and then he screws them over by making their skull explode into flames.

Or um ... they turn into a menacing creature adorned in fire, hunting down the guilty souls of earth. The rider comes around once a generation to collect souls escaped from hell. He uses a "penance stare" to inflict the pain of the innocent on the guilty.

I'm not making this up.

Twelve years of Catholic schooling taught me that the devil wants to tempt the innocent to become sinners ... so why is the devil collecting souls that he already has? Be forewarned, instances like these that don't even attempt to explain the story are rampant in this movie.

We're introduced to motorcycle stuntman Johnny Blaze (Cage), who sold his soul to cure his father of lung cancer. This is pointless because his father dies the next day in a motorcycle accident. This leads to the devil (Peter Fonda) keeping Blaze alive so he can use him to collect souls when he sees fit.

The only problem is Blaze has to keep away from loved ones for their own safety. He lives the theatrical life of a stunt driver: eating jelly beans out of a martini glass, listening exclusively to the Carpenters and only finding humor in monkeys on TV.

I'm not making this up.

Blaze convinces himself daily to not live in fear and waits for his second chance at life. In walks his ex-sweetheart Roxanne Simpson (Mendes), who he left out in the rain 20 years ago. She's a television news reporter covering Blaze's latest bike stunt and her return inspires him to start over. Around the same time, the devil's son and his cronies are looking to take
over the world so Blaze is called on to be the Rider and defeat them.

Feeling sort of lost? Asking why doesn't the devil just do this himself? Why does Blaze do all of those eccentric things? How many faces can Nick Cage make in 30 seconds? Do those wheels really have to be on fire and destroy everything?

It seems writer/director Mark Steven Johnson really wanted to test the limits of making this film a moving comic book, and he took a nosedive right over the breaking point. Instead of keeping the elements of comic book style like Robert Rodriguez did in Sin City, Johnson used over-simplistic and obvious dialogue, weak attempts at smart-aleck catchphrases and laughably defeatable villains to preserve the comic aspect of the film.

Sony Pictures pushed back the release date of the film to save it from failing in the mid-July blockbuster period.

Its reasoning was to start off the year with a big-budget movie to rake in money at the box office. It succeeded because the movie made $44.5 million in one weekend.

Basically, they were so ashamed of agreeing to distribute this product that they released it in a time of year notorious in the movie industry for showing nothing worthwhile.

The only problem is once word of mouth gets out, ticket sales are going to plummet. Grade: F