When considering what to write today, I put a lot of thought into exactly what my audience would want to read. Should I talk about the president's plan to "surge" in Iraq? Maybe write something that would introduce myself and my viewpoints to all the Penn State readers? Or perhaps the effects my hemorrhoids are having on my social life, job and psyche.
If there's anything I have learned in my time as a writer, it's that people enjoy hearing about suffering. So, hemorrhoids it is!
As far as health conditions go, hemorrhoids don't get the attention of E. coli, hangnails, or severed fingers in your chili, and probably for a good reason. I don't like discussing what's going on in that region much either, but I think we all have to admit, it's pretty fun (when it's not happening to you that is). So, in an effort to be as forthcoming as possible and help my hemorrhoid suffering brothers and sisters, I will relive my past two weeks of hell.
As you probably know, hemorrhoids make it difficult to sit for long periods of time, so that's why I'm firmly planted on this donut. This brings me to perhaps the worst part of this condition -- buying hemorrhoid-related products. Next time you're in your local grocery store, take a stroll down the medicine aisle. You'll see dozens of hemorrhoidal care products, obviously part of a multi-billion dollar business. But notice the names of these medications. Anusol? Proctofoam? It's a virtual cornucopia of embarrassment sitting there, waiting for you to take them to register 12 where an acne-ridden high school student can look you up and down.
Don't tell me that whoever is running the cash register isn't sizing you up and silently laughing at you. I worked at a supermarket, so I know that little Johnny is going to turn to the girl at the next register and use my misfortune for his new comedy routine. Ah, but this is the 21st century. We no longer have to deal with the awkwardness that is human contact. Some genius has invented the self-checkout, perhaps the most important invention of the last 100 years. Edison, Einstein, Ford -- all hacks. Nothing has done more for society than the self-checkout. Women everywhere can now buy douche without the fear of disturbing looks. Men can go into the grocery store, fearless when buying tampons for their significant others. And ordinary couples on a Saturday night can feel confident with a shopping cart full of strawberries, whipped cream and adult diapers.
After buying my medicated wipes, all that's left to do is call work up and let them know I won't be coming in today. You and I know I'm not calling and saying I'm staying home to take care of my hemorrhoids. But it's just not right to lie about being sick because that excuse is being saved for football weekends. So what to do? Back pain! Technically it's true. My back (side that is) is hurting, and there's no need to fake cough this excuse. But there's no faking anything at home. My girlfriend and I live together and this isn't something I was going to be able to keep from her. Sure, I could have tried to hide it for a while, but at some point questions like, 'Why does it take you 20 minutes to stand up or sit down?" would have gotten to me. Maybe one of the most difficult issues through this ordeal has been intimacy with her.
I know guys have a bad rap for often being disgusting troglodytes. We scratch ourselves in inappropriate places. We have hair everywhere. And for a lot of men, this is no problem at all. Just go to the beach this summer. Some guy looking nine months pregnant, wearing a sweater he has grown himself, will be walking around like he's Brad Pitt. And believe it or not, some woman somewhere loves him despite all that. But I'm not like that guy. I find it hard to take my mind off the fact that I have an itching and painful mass of dilated veins in swollen anal tissue when I'm trying to be intimate with my girlfriend. But it's best to take something good from it, so I can say I have learned a few things, First googling "hemorrhoid" results in more than 3 million entries. Second it's never too early to start eating fiber cereal, and finally, embarrassing medical conditions can make for the best writing subjects.
