Tips to survive the college exam

Something a lot of your general education professors will keep telling you in college is that you should always study early and study often.

Read the book chapters before class. Don't put the big assignments off to the last minute. Wear pants.

Well I'm here to tell you that you don't really need to do any of those things.

There's a reason why the practice of cramming has survived throughout the ages: because it works. And even though you probably won't be able to retain any knowledge gained by cramming for more than an hour after the big test is over, at least you'll be able to pull off that passing grade.

Step One: It's the night before the test -- time to panic.

You shouldn't have procrastinated! Your parents are going to kill you!

Why did you go out and party with friends when you could have been studying the alkaline content of area soils instead?

Maybe you could hitch a Greyhound and run off to Vegas. Maybe you could die in your sleep. Maybe a freak storm will cancel the exam.

But wait, don't reach for the sweet respite of a box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios or your Playstation 2 controller just yet -- you have to buckle down, kiddo.

This is what college is all about. Now pour yourself some joe and sit your rump down, you're in for a long night.

Step Two: Find a good study spot.

I've generally found that the dorm is not a good place to study, simply because there are so many distractions (e.g., your roommate, the TV, the guy across the hall who thinks he can play guitar).

The library may seem like a good place to study until you slowly come to the realization that you're surrounded by books written by people who are smarter and more successful than you will ever be.

Find a neutral study lounge, such as the one in Hammond or the one in West Commons.

If you like to listen to music when you study, try loading something without lyrics onto your iPod, such as smooth jazz or the 1812 Overture.

Step Three: Use the study guide.

If your professor is kind, he (or she) will have provided you with a list of terms or topics that will be on the upcoming exam. Do not ignore this list.

This list is as important as the Rosetta stone, the Da Vinci cryptex and the golden spatula from “SpongeBob Squarepants: Legend of the Lost Spatula” for Game Boy Color combined.

Study guide in hand, proceed to use your textbook's glossary to look up all of the terms that will be on the test.

If your textbook doesn't have a glossary, send an angry letter to the publisher and start using the index. If your textbook doesn't have an index, tie it to a brick and throw it through the bedroom window of the publisher's house.

Step Four: Memory recall is more helpful than actual learning.

Especially when it comes to multiple choice tests, memory recall can be your best friend.

As long as you can recognize the term on the test and match it to the definition, you don't actually have to have it memorized or even understand what it means.

To this end, flash cards, covering up your study guide with a piece of paper and calling out the answers or simply reading your notes over and over and over again can work wonders when it comes to test time.

Step Five: Do not miss the test.

Many a student has studied diligently only to be foiled come test day by a failed alarm clock or a false memory of where and when the test was to take place.

Don't become a statistic.

Set the alarms on your clock radio, cell phone and Tamagotchi. Drink a lot of water the night before the test. Ask a friend to wake you. Just make sure that you that you get there and take the test so that you don't have to suffer the dire consequences.

After that it's a simple matter of filling out your student ID number on the answer sheet and bubbling in your test form letter correctly.

Once you've completed your first successful cramming experience, you'll want to do it again and again -- because as miserable and painful as cramming may be, at least it's better than being a responsible student.