Which is better: Pittsburgh or Philadelphia?

Collegian staff writer and native Philadelphian Kevin Doran and Collegian staff writer and native Pittsburgher Travis Larchuk met over crackers and fine cheeses one afternoon to finally settle the debate.

TRAVIS: I think we should start off with sports, because Pittsburgh can clearly kick Philly's butt at any sport ever created, ever.

KEVIN: You's guys don't even have a basketball team, and you might as well not have hockey or baseball teams. And let's not even get into college basketball.

TRAVIS: We have the world champion five-time Super Bowl winners, the Pittsburgh Stillers. Top that. You can't. You can't do it. You just can't.

KEVIN: But we CAN boo the daylights out of them. We boo better than any city in history. We even booed Santa Claus to protest how bad the Eagles were in the '70s.

TRAVIS: You ruined Christmas for the children of your city. Congratulations.

KEVIN: We make up for it with our awesome food. You can't beat a Philly cheesesteak.

TRAVIS: Except that you can get them like, anywhere. Where else can you find a Primanti's sandwich? Nowhere but Pittsburgh, baby.

KEVIN: Pittsburgh, and in the trash heaps of people with functioning taste buds.

TRAVIS: Oh no you DI'N'T. And if there's one thing Philadelphia can't touch, it's a tasty Pittsburgh pierogi.

KEVIN: Except maybe with our refreshing wooter ice and a fresh-baked Philly soft pretzel.

TRAVIS: You mean Italian ice? And if it were "wooter ice," it would be "water ice." Say it: WAH-TER.

KEVIN: At least I don't "red up" my room or "worsh" my car. And I use rubber bands, not "gum bands."

TRAVIS: Oh yeah? Well we have an incline. We have TWO inclines.

KEVIN: We don't need an incline. Hop on the El and you can see the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall and all the other historical sites in the Cradle of Liberty.

TRAVIS: -- bwha? Sorry, you bored me to sleep there. Why go see any of that lame stuff when you could be riding the Thunderbolt at Kennywood? Best wooden coaster in the world, represent!

KEVIN: Haven't people died on that?

TRAVIS: Details.

KEVIN: Anyway, as far as I know, no one has been killed by the statue of our state's founder, Billy Penn.

TRAVIS: I find it hard to believe that you could see a statue of William Penn past all of the Ben Franklin statues in your city. I think y'inz guys need to get over this Ben Franklin fetish as soon as possible.

KEVIN: He's also the only guy to sign both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Who do you have who can compare to that?

TRAVIS: First of all, I also signed both of those documents during Constitution week at my high school, so Ben Franklin isn't that special. And second, we have Mr. Rogers.

KEVIN: That man was so caught up in his crayons and cardigans that he lost touch with his audience. I'll take a Cosby sweater and some Jell-O pudding over that anyday.

TRAVIS: Bill Cosby is just an angry old funsucker. I don't care how charming he was on Kids Say the Darndest Things.

KEVIN: If the Cos' isn't your thing, how about M. Night Shyamalan? Kobe Bryant? Will Smith?

TRAVIS: How about George A. Romero? Joe Montana? Christina Aguilera?

KEVIN: X-tina is so Hollywood. Will Smith is "from West Philadelphia, born and raised."

TRAVIS: "On the playground was where I spent most of my days..." That song is totally my ring tone!

KEVIN: See? Everybody knows it. Philadelphia is better than Pittsburgh.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I guess you're right. Pittsburgh stinks.