You, gentle reader, are in for a treat.
It's a little-known fact that the combination of no sleep, job hunting and trying to decipher the writings of Hans Jakob Christoph von Grimmelshausen in order to graduate can have strange effects on a person.
The visions came sometime around 3:17 a.m., and they quickly proved what Darren Daulton has known all along -- time travel exists. (I've got your back, Dutch).
Sure, it would have been remarkably easy to exploit this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for personal gain, but seeing as how I'm the benevolent type, I'm choosing to share my experiences so all may benefit.
Remember -- try to act surprised.
Sept. 9, 2006
The forklift that ferries Fighting Irish coach Charlie Weis to and from the locker room malfunctions, causing the much-hyped Penn State-Notre Dame game to be postponed until a later date.
Undeterred, the population of Paternoville, already in its seventh day of camping out (read: drinking) for the Youngstown State game, uproots a goalpost in Beaver Stadium and proceeds to deposit it on its namesake's lawn. Again.
Penn State Director for Communications, Branding and General Boss-ness Guido D'Elia does not confirm nor deny that he planted the idea remotely from South Bend.
"I'm the designated trouble-stirrer of change," D'Elia tells the New York Times. "I'm the lightning rod. I'm Darth Vader. I'm the angel of death."
Feb. 3, 2009
Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher addresses a jubilant throng of fans at the franchise's fourth consecutive Super Bowl victory parade. The celebration culminates with the coach's decree that he is taking over as the city's de facto mayor, much to the delight of all. Later in the day, Cowher names Kordell Stewart as new coach of the Steelers.
Feb. 4, 2009
Cowher is tarred and feathered by yinzers with torches before he and Stewart are unceremoniously flung by catapult to Cleveland.
April 8, 2012
Emotionally fueled by the dramatic return of Jan Jagla to the program as an assistant coach, the Penn State men's basketball team defeats Jerry Dunn's West Virginia squad for the national title.
Tragically, a freak accident during the net-cutting ceremony results in the small remaining patch of hair on coach Ed DeChellis' forehead to be trimmed off.
"It's disappointing, to be sure," DeChellis says following the signing of his lifetime contract extension the next day. "But I think it was an even trade."
June 1, 2267
Eleven months after firing Bobby Clarke's corpse as general manager, the Philadelphia Flyers win the Stanley Cup, ending the city's 284-year professional championship drought. Mark your calendars!
As for me? There's the rub. It seems late-night time travel allows you to see every fate but your own.
But after four years at a newspaper office that I've called home, I've made dozens of friends, all of whom have given me the guidance, patience and support so I could be here to type this now. Whatever happens, I know I'll always be able to turn to these incredible people.
And that's something to look forward to.
