One of the things I'm especially good at is torturing myself. Maybe it's because I subconsciously know I deserve to be punished or because I never think things through to their obvious conclusions. Maybe I just enjoy suffering immensely.
It's hard to say. Whatever the reason, I always seem to find myself in uncomfortable situations that I could have avoided. The first worst experience of my life occurred in 1999 when, in all of my stupidity, I agreed to be my group's spokesperson in my high school biology class. What a brilliant idea, Natalie.
About 3.7 seconds after I opened my big, too-quick-to-volunteer mouth, I realized what I had just done. This meant I would have to stand up in front of the class and present my group's findings.
So you think that's not really such a big deal and I'm just a big, stupid cry baby pants? Maybe you're right. But I hate talking in front of people, I hate standing up and I hate it when more than three people look at me at the same time.
Luckily, Penn State forces all students to take a public speaking course, even if it'll definitely make them want to projectile vomit every second of every day. The third worst experience of my life was the product of this course and one of the cruelest jokes anyone has ever played on me.
You might notice I skipped the second worst experience. It's simply too painful to recount. Suffice it to say that it involves me standing in front of a room filled with small children.
Back to the cruel joke. My speech communications classmates nominated me to speak in Penn State's Civic Engagement Public Speaking Contest. Fabulous! My favorite part of the story is when I actually agree to do it.
I know it's going to be horrible. I know I'm going to waste hours thinking about how horrible it will definitely be. And I know I'll certainly be more nervous than I was in the fourth grade spelling bee. Nonetheless, I smile and say "Oh. Wow. Sure. I'd love to." or something to that effect. I didn't even win; I'm really bitter about that.
Do you think I learned my lesson though? No. Of course not. Instead, in December, I volunteered to present a research paper at the International Student Symposium in Prague. The symposium was great; I'd recommend it. But the coordinators determined in advance that I would give my lecture on the very last day of the conference.
So, I spent a great deal of my time obsessing over my looming presentation. I would carry the paper with me in my purse everywhere we went. I'd whip it out at dinner for a little extra practice. I'd think endlessly about what sort of excuse I would need to get out of this mess.
The presentation in Prague was the fourth and most recent worst experience of my life. Oddly enough, I already know what my next challenge will be -- law school, another of my brilliant ideas.
I'm particularly looking forward to the Socratic Method and to the part where I get to argue a case in front of a group of really smart people who will most likely simultaneously burst into laughter because they'll know that I am one pathetic loser. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment.
But I've learned over these past four years that you can surprise yourself sometimes. So, if you ever think you can't do something just because it makes you nervous or uncomfortable or miserable or nauseous, think of me. Think of all the ridiculous things that I make myself do over and over again for no good reason whatsoever.
Perhaps, it will motivate you to challenge yourself and to step outside your comfort zone, even if you'd rather just watch somebody else suffer.
