Like all graduating seniors I am a sage on the campus -- an oracle to all the underclassmen.

Ask me where to buy your books, I'll tell you. Ask me where Thomas Building is, I'll point you in the right direction. But the sad irony is I'm leaving for bigger and better things, and I won't be around anymore to be your beloved touchstone.

So what are you going to do? Well, some will take the big step up and replace me, but for the rest, I leave my degree audit in "Boozology."

Like many students I double majored: one in English and one in Inebriant Studies. So in order to standardize the major and make sure others have as good a time as I had, I will outline my four-year stint in the degree program.

Freshman year, or "Introduction to the Fraternity." This is the first year without parental supervision. The smell of freedom is fresh, but it soon dawns on you that there are still institutionalized inconveniences, i.e. campus police, resident assistants, etc. Your group of friends grows fast and gigantic but still lacks the ability to find a party on Friday night. The guy who graduated a year or two ahead of you has an apartment downtown but is unwilling to allow you and 30 of your closest friends to come over. Enter the frats. Frats are great freshman year; they rarely are busted by the police, and they open their doors to East Halls. My advice is to frequent the frats often but avoid joining greek life ... not that there is anything wrong with it, but it's just not cost effective. You'll learn that in economics class. See, these majors cross over.

Sophomore year you move out of the dorms into an apartment downtown. Suddenly, you realize you have a party circuit because all your friends are also downtown. Use this to your advantage. A rotating schedule of parties among your friends will ensure that you always have a party to go to -- what goes around comes around.

Take a class in beer tap maintenance; it will surely come in handy since that's what you'll be drinking all year. This is also the year for party etiquette classes. No one likes a keg nazi or a jerk that cannot fathom why strangers are in his apartment. However, "house cup" and "house beer pong rules" do hold true and should be followed.

Sophomore year is the wildest and usually ends up costing you an "underage," also known as "college detention." Avoidance of this is advised, but if the party you are at does get busted, no big deal. Everyone gets them, and parents always understand. Essentially, it's just an expensive parking ticket. You'll turn 21 the following year anyway.

Junior year, or "Foreign Studies." This is the year you party abroad; I cannot stress this enough. You'll be amazed at how much you learn. It doesn't matter where you go. Europe seems to be a favorite, but I went to Africa. Partying is ubiquitous, and at no other time in your life will you have the finances to live and party abroad. Plus, it looks good on a resume and employers love it. You will also probably take "Introduction to the Bars" since most countries do not force young adults to wait three years before they can "officially" drink. And by the time you get back you'll either be legal or almost legal.

When you do get back you'll probably realize that your group of friends has shrunk considerably. Since you hit the bars most of the time you don't need to call everyone you know. It's a good thing. The friends you hang out with now are no doubt some of the best friends you'll ever have and the ones you'll miss the most.

Senior year, you've almost finished earning your degree. The parties are smaller but more intimate. You've known everyone you hang out with for years now and they know you inside and out. Outsiders have a hard time fitting in now as the dynamics of your group are fully formed. But this won't matter because you don't want to party with anyone else, and a night at the bars is easily replaced by a case of beer and stories from your closest friends.

By the time you finish your degree, you will have gained more than a proficiency in Boozology: You will have gained the experience of a lifetime.