Arguments against Morrissey's new album, Ringleader of the Tormentors:

One: Morrissey manages to hit Eastern-tinged instruments -- see section one and a half -- an overblown ballad and a return to rock and the trifecta of lost inspiration all in the first three tracks.

A children's choir, the bonus fourth leg on the trifecta, is used three times.

They even sing the line "there's no such thing in life as normal," the worst musical abuse of children since P.O.D. released "Youth of the Nation."

One-and-a-half: Toward the end of the album opener "I Will See You in Far Off Places," aka "Morrissey goes Egyptian," he forgets his stereotypes and throws saxophones into the mix. You know, for all those jazz bands in Cairo.

Two: The "celibate" Morrissey claims, "There are explosive kegs/In-between my legs." Someone's fibbing.

Three: Morrissey sings, "I feel too cold, and now I feel too warm," in "Life is a Pigsty," the seven-minute epic about being unable to find the porridge that's just right. Nothing is ever good enough for him.

Four: Two songs feature "killed" in the title, and "On the Streets I Ran" features the charming line, "If you don't leave, you will kill or be killed/Which isn't very nice."

Five: I got enough one-liners out of the first two songs to write the review, but I finished listening to the album anyway.

Six: During the recording of Ringleader of the Tormentors, Morrissey was deluded enough to pen the line "you represent embarrassment and failure" about someone other than himself.

Argument for: You can put the four bucks you could get selling your copy of this toward a Smiths record. Please stop, Morrissey.

Grade: F

-- Reviewed by Dustin Pangonis